So I’ve just come back from the Microsoft press briefing, held in the amphitheatre (or what looked like one) at the Santa Monica High School. A subsequent cocktail for the VIPs was organized at the fancy Viceroy Hotel two blocks down, but despite getting past the rather dimwitted security guy at the door (I flashed the badge from the press event), I was actually busted as my hand reached for the delicious cocktail sitting by the pool of the lovely hotel. OK, to cut a long story short, unlike last year, this year MS decided to play it cheap and send most of the media guys packing right after the actual briefing. Fair enough, one shouldn’t be so petty-minded… wait, hold on. One should be so petty-minded after the press briefing we were treated to.

To quote some random guy as he was going out of the event, “why did I come here again?” I have to say that in light of what was shown, this was a really good question.

There were absolutely no major announcements whatsoever at the press conference. Not unless you count the fact that Gears of War will be coming to the PC – something we’ve known from the leaked video, days before this event (luckily it’s coming for both XP and Vista).

As I sit here, trying to gather material for the article, I’m struggling to single out something remotely interesting. GTA IV will have exclusive episodes for the 360; old news. Splinter Cell: Conviction, the next installment in Ubisoft Montreal’s spy series will be an 360-exclusive. Big deal, the game looked really dated, graphics-wise, on the big screen.

Other showing from the Ubisoft Montreal team was Assassin’s Creed. God almighty how much people were raving about this game last year. We were treated to a demo, where the game’s lead designer, I believe, was playing a level in Jerusalem of old. The stealthy (or, if you want the truth, the extremely conspicuous) assassin jumped down from a three store building and into a wagon filled with hay without any of the many citizens noticing anything in broad daylight. The amusing thing is that Assassin’s Creed is clearly going for the whole stealthy/crafty feel of, say, the Thief series, but relying engine-wise I think on the Splinter Cell code, and while being played solely in the third person mode, of course.

So, anyway, as our assassin was chasing his target through the streets of Jerusalem, we’ve seen some rather believable interaction with the crowd as the men were running through the crowded streets – interaction with the crowd that this reporter suspects will get really old, really fast.

While the movement and the acrobatics animation felt somewhat rigid (a big let down for a game of this caliber), the combat moves were impressive in their variety. Nonetheless, some AI bloopers during the played sequence, and the overall quality of the action seen, don’t seem to help my opinion of this new IP from Ubisoft.

I mean, you can just tell there wasn’t much going on at the briefing when I’m spending this much time on a game that quite honestly has not justified the hype that was generated around it in the last year or so.

Moving on, out of the myriad of titles that we caught a glimpse of, one rather nice “surprise” (again, a known fact to the crowd in attendance) was the showing of Resident Evil 5.

Now this game takes place in a war-torn African country. The trailer displayed a very successful fusion of war atrocities in the recent history of the continent and the trademark zombie carnage. This was done with a high doze of general creepiness and excellent dramatization (at least in the trailer), so judging from the job that CapCom did in that short clip, there is truly something to look forward to with this one (Goody, goody. Finally, something. – Vader).

Somewhere along the way, Peter Moore, the flamboyant host of the briefing, announced and aired a short clip from the currently-in-the-state-of-limbo Halo movie project, by the young director from South Africa, Neill Blomkamp. The clip looked like a spitting image of Neill’s earlier work in commercials, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Quite the contrary really; however, the comment from Moore in which he kept incessantly comparing the Halo franchise to Star Wars made very little sense, and so it spoiled some of the trailer’s momentum.

Speaking of controversial statements, I have to say I was the only guy in the crowd laughing when Peter Moore called Vista the most gamer-friendly operating system ever, citing that something like 10 million “gamers” have already switched to Vista. Now, the fact of the matter is we all will make the switch at some point, as there is only one company making operating systems these days (a company that can dictate the terms on the market), but for the love of God, the irony in Peter’s statement was so thick, it put a three-day-old chocolate fudge to shame.

The only greater irony than what Peter was saying on the podium was the reaction of the so-called media throughout the briefing. They were clapping and cheering at every third game. Now, I don’t consider myself a journalist in any shape or form, but couldn’t the fucking driveling retards in the audience at least have enough self dignity not to cheer and clap at a press briefing they are supposed to cover with as little bias to any particular company as possible? Obviously not.

Seriously, I should’ve put this bit at the start of the article, but it’s late and God knows I won’t edit this, so here goes, my analogy for this evening:

Dear ladies, I now finally know what it’s like to have to shrug off premature ejaculation. This conference has thought me the pain of this sinister condition. It was that anticlimactic.

The game that almost saved the day was (rather surprisingly for me) Infinity Ward’s Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Now, don’t get me wrong, I hugely admire Infinity’s work, but as so many of our readers, I felt (from the trailers released so far) that the game isn’t really going anywhere and that it felt more like a modern-day mod for the tried and proved gameplay in the first and second game.

Not so.

On top of the fact that the engine looks absolutely gorgeous (the shadows in the environment were stunning, and so were the rays of sunshine showing the dust in a decrepit Ukrainian building), CoD 4 looks to be putting a lot more emphasis on the story, as well as creating some memorable gameplay moments. We were shown a two-man sniper team making their way across enemy territory. At one point, our two guys have gone prone in thick grass as they spot an entire squad of tangos coming their way, combing the area for snipers. The dramatic moment in the demo ends as our protagonists face an almost inescapable situation.

During the presentation the designers of Infinity Ward announced that a multiplayer beta for the game is kicking off at www.charlieoscardelta.com. I’d advise you to give this one a shot. The single-player campaign looks especially promising.

So, what does CoD 4 have to do with Microsoft exactly? The game will be exclusive to the 360 and PC, which would about explain the connection.

A few more fleeting images of games later, and the event came to an abrupt end with some obscure band playing an obscure tune. But, not before footage from Halo 3 was shown. I was expecting something rather spectacular, but what I got was scenes from a game that really lacked that next-gen feel to it. Granted, one can tell absolutely nothing about the quality of the gameplay, or the storyline, from a short clip shown on a big screen, but I can tell you that the single-player campaign looks equally unimpressive visually (models-wise especially) as the multiplayer beta (Figures. – Vader). I’m hoping some great artwork in the cinematic story sequences and the variety in the level design will improve this rather bland impression that I got from watching Halo 3 footage.

And that’s it, folks. That’s what MS has to offer at the moment. Sure, a bunch of numbers were thrown in everyone’s face, how MS is outselling this and that, and making bazillions on software and hardware sales combined, but the fact of the matter remains that, for a gamer, there was very little to get excited about at this media briefing.

I think the highlight for many of the sorry bastards there was that they “played a badass” by taking the 360 printed cushions that were provided on the amphitheater’s stands. Hell, if such a prized thing wasn’t a reason to sit through the event, what in the world is. Right? Sad.