Complete Loser's Guide to Counter-Strike

OK, so, this is supposed to be a COMPLETE loser's guide to Counter-Strike, and when I say COMPLETE LOSER, I mean the type of person who believes TRS-80 is still the number one gaming platform and has by an incredible twist of faith found himself in front of a gaming rig with the CS shortcut on the Desktop. Either that, or you can simply test this guide on your grandma' and a couple of her blind and def girlfriends after you've put a bottle of Valium in their homemade Sunday soup. I guess you'll KNOW you have something special if the results turn out positive.

If you do recruit a bunch of losers to sit with you for a game of CS, you'll simply have to have at least 3-4 PC's connected through a LAN for practicing. So, first you need to:

1) Set up a LAN rig

2) Recruit blind and deaf brain-rotting crack addicts for your "team."

A couple of helpful suggestions.

Now that you have your gang recruited, and you're certain that this is simply THE WORST bunch of humanoids ever assembled to perform any kind of over-5IQ-requred duty, you need to 'pick a fight', or challenge somebody as they say.

Start by raiding many LAN parties and pestering people into playing against you. Repeatedly shout things like "your momma," and "we'll have your ass," and "my keyboard rules, you fag!!!"

Unless you've run into a group of guys that are about as brain-dead as your trusted teammates, there is zero to none chance you're going to find a half-decent opponent to play you. People are more likely to suffer severe bladder problems from all the hysterical laughing generated by your plant-intelligent taunting and the general appearance of your teammates. Oh, and don't forget to always take your teammates to the events (tourneys, LAN parties). It is imperative that people actually start recognizing you as "those lunatic asylum junkies looking to play CS with their excellent keyboards."

How's it going so far? Good...

As I said, there's no chance in hell somebody will play you right away, so you have to be patient for a while. After some time, people will eventually take to your antics and look at your team as the regular event mascots. This is the turning point for your little team. After some careful consideration, pick one above the average team from the crowd of players; one that seems to have something to prove, and has little resources to organize regular practices. But before you approach them be sure to sell PC#4 and bring the cash with you. Offer to make a little three on three wager with the above average team claiming you'll beat them in at least two matches out of twenty. If the above the average team is a least bit calculated, they're going to assume that you've practiced CS in secrecy and that you are going to come out fighting like champs from game 1.

Be sure then to tell them you absolutely GUARANTEE you haven't played CS, except that one time when you couldn't go to the "good doctors" 'cause the snow was too high. Also tell them that this is in fact a marketing trick and that you were paid by Sierra to do this as a marketing stunt in order to promote CS 1.0 going retail, and that you're going to pay them the money anyways if it turns out you have any skill in Counter-Strike whatsoever.

Don't worry; I'm not implying you have to trick these people in any way. You really don't have to know Jack shit about CS, and it's best your brain-dead zombie teammates never played this game.

TRAINING YOUR TEAMMATES - BASIC TRAINING

I'll explain the 'special tactics' later on, let's now just stick to the basics.

1) Train your gang to turn on a PC

2) Train your gang to double-click on the CS icon

3) Train your team to use the mouse. They are not supposed to wield the thing in 3D, trying to actually stab the opponent on the screen. Explain that the PC works differently.

The right way.

The wrong way...

4) If you've by any chance recruited your grandmother's def and blind girlfriends remember to bring a potty and the giant shirtless Clark Gable poster (It makes them happy when they're sad).

5) Be sure to bring a thin plastic cover for the keyboard. In case your teammates start to drool excessively on the keyboard. This applies to both brain-dead crackers and ol' ladies.

6) Rule #6 is very important. Pick out your favorite teammate. One that seems like he/she can do two or even three simple actions at the same time. Remember this; you'll need it for later. Teach him/her how to actually SHOOT a still target (I know it does seem a little hard, but give it a try) -- point blank range with a Desert Eagle .50. If you fail to do this, our whole little plan will go down the drain.

ADVANCED TEAM TACTICS:

Finally, we come to the most important part of this guide. The advanced team tactics. By now your teammates should be able to perform the following tasks:

1) Load a game of CS

2) Move, jump, and even shoot in-game without assistance. Keyboard only controls required, keyboard/mouse combo recommended.

3) Tough one... Throw a smoke grenade, and make spray logos.

Don't worry; none of these actions can be characterized as skill. The fact that they are able to perform the aforementioned actions doesn't in any way imply that they have to perform some of those actions correctly.