Complete Loser's Guide to Counter-Strike: Part 2

Read Complete Loser's Guide to Counter-Strike: Part 1

More Ways of Seriously Annoying People in Counter-Strike and Winning Some Matches

There are more ways one can annoy people in Counter Strike. For example: CS players and RPG players just don't mix. It's a fact of life. And if you know that, you'd know how to take advantage of the situation.

Form a clan and call it:

The Seventh Dark Elven Clan of the Noble Lords of Saardakh From The 15th Kaalzah Realm.

Culture Clash!!!

Avid dice-throwers are the f--ing worst insult to a proud Counter-Strike clan. They don't believe in AK-47, for Christ's sake?!? But there is a certain ambivalent relationship between the CS players and avid dice-throwers. It's like they hate them, but they also fear them hoping that none of that 'spell casting crap' will ever rub off on them.

It's like I remember this one time, I went to this gym where this gym instructor clearly liked spotting large burling men a little TOO much. And it was funny to watch all these 300lbs steroid maniacs squirm like little girls and run away from the big bad gay instructor. And the fact is, each of these huge bulks of muscle could've kicked that instructors skinny little ass, 'cause he was one of those lean muscular, but small in build types. Instead, those mucho-hormone-high-on-steroids body builders choose to run for safety, so that some of that gay stuff wouldn't rub off on them. Yeah, but they think that flexing your biceps in front of a mirror the whole damn day long, and kissing them while they're at it is a perfectly normal thing to do.

Anyways, I was making some kind of point. Yeah, there is a strong chance that CS players, even the toughest ones will run, so that some of that FRP 'spell-casting crap' wouldn't rub off on them. Hell, that's the perfect time to strike, and here's how to do it:

Remember you're at a CS LAN party again, and you and your team are clear-cut underdogs. What do you do? If you feel a bit dressy, you can even think about wearing huge hats with feathers (remember to carry palm tops and dices), or large leather overcoats or something, so that you look more like a bunch of very, very weird pen' n paper FRP players. Think about a beard (if you can grow one) or some pointy mustache. That should also go well with the avid pen' n paper look.

So, we have a name: The Seventh Dark Elven Clan of the Noble Lords of Saardakh From The 15th Kaalzah Realm. RPG/FRP-enough, I'd say.

First, you must think of your clanmate's nicks:

Try something like:

Noble Lord Seevdahian (and that should be one of the easy ones).

Than try one like:

Valiant Hero: Kraafg... (Which would be very hard to pronounce, and even harder to memorize). Than always remember to refer to him by his full name; something like: Kraafg Tar De Ville Jo-jon Hoosgramp. And before you even speak his name remember to say things like: the black armored shiny guardian of the late king Ddaaerk, Kraafg Tar De Ville Jo-jon Hoosgramp. Better yet, make an alias and bind his damn name. Actually, bind all of your teammates' names:

Imagine this: The black armored shiny guardian of the late king Ddaaerk, Kraafg Tar De Ville Jo-jon Hoosgramp, I got the majestic hostages!!!

The black armored shiny guardian of the late king Ddaaerk, Kraafg Tar De Ville Jo-jon Hoosgramp, I'm hit, come heal me!!! And so on...

Be creative; just think of very long, very unpronounceable, puzzling names. And remember to slap on titles and all sorts of other useless crap like the 'heroe's' family history or something... You know, you bind a short FRP-like story just for kicks. Actually, just a first few sentences:

"In the year 3456-24 of NKC (New Kaldonian Calender), after the sudden departure of the new profit of the long shores of Assraath, a new league was formed on the outskirts of the Nass Parrraah Devil Territories. The guidance of the heroic troops was bestowed to the black armored shiny guardian of the late king Ddaaerk, Kraafg Tar De Ville Jo-jon Hoosgramp."

Oh man, l33t K11LAZ cs players just f-ing loathe this type of fancy and elaborate story telling. It's a culture clash you see. Plus most of us non-RPG types are just scared of all kinds of weird names one must memorize in order to play a FRP game with some of the avid dice-throwers, or read a book on the subject, or something.

Remember: CS match is not a CS match; it's a CS quest! So, you have to be ready to come up with all sorts of amusing things during the match:

The Match - Ugh, Sorry; The Quest:

Your team is all dressed up and playing against Clan [U__suk_.].

K1LL4[U__suk_.]: Yeah, we'll kick yur asses faggots! [U__suk_.] ownz whorez like you!!!

You[The Seventh Dark Elven Clan of the Noble Lords of Saardakh From The 15th Kaalzah Realm]: We shall bring order to the lands of our late noble lord, and we shall stricken you filthy level two Ogres of your miserable existence, because our holy power transcends your petty little squabbles over hostages and territory. Summon the Fairy Dragons!!!

K1LL4[U__suk_.]: ... (Silent for a few seconds.) Then, gathers his composure... summon the fag what?!?

U SUK!!!

You[The Seventh Dark Elven Clan of the Noble Lords of Saardakh From The 15th Kaalzah Realm]: AZZAR-DOMINE - ASTRA!!!

K1LL4[U__suk_.]: ... ?

You[The Seventh Dark Elven Clan of the Noble Lords of Saardakh from the 15th Kaalzah Realm]: I Summon the mighty Halutian Spell of Terror!!! I am a mighty wizard and the dice has rolled in my favor!

K1LL4[U__suk_.]: WTF? Hey idiot!!! It's a CS game moron!