Complete Loser's Guide to Counter-Strike

THE MATCH AND THE APPLICATION OF THE ADVANCED TACTICS:

Before we start this section, it is necessary to split the match into three acts.

ACT I - Matches 1-5

Here you'll need to come out fighting, and when I say come out fighting, I MEAN come out fighting. Oh, I forgot to mention some other ground rules. Your team plays as Ts the entire game. You choose map; the map is cs_italy. It is imperative that you lose the first five matches. Try doing one of the following things:

1) Kill all hostages

2) Try shooting your opponent with the weaker shotgun from a 100m in-game distance while he's holding an AWM.

3) Try peaking around the corner to 'look for the sniper' with your night vision goggles... In broad daylight. Be sure to expose yourself enough for the sniper to bust a cap in your head.

4) Kill all but one hostage, kill your teammates, and then try rushing a sniper with your night vision goggles on and your knife.

5) Detonate a HE grenade, order your teammate to shoot you with the AK-47, but only after you've taken down both yours and your teammate's health to around 10HP. If all goes well you should see the message: T this shot T that and the AK-47 icon, and the skull icon above it.

6) Try jumping off ledges and shooting your teammate at the same time...

Example shot

Ahh... do whatever the hell you like, as long as you lose the first five matches, horribly.

ACT II - Matches 6-12

By this time, your opponents are happy with the way the game is progressing; the spectators are scratching their heads in disbelief. Now is the perfect time to employ advanced tactics.

ADVANCED TACTICS APPLIED:

Match 6:

Form a circle just outside the T-house. Try to move in a circular fashion while moving your torso in an up and down fashion, like this:

Figure 1

TAUNT 1: RAIN IS THE BRINGER OF ETERNAL BLISS!!!
TAUNT 2: I can feel the drops on my skin!

Enemy sees you; enemy shoots you...

During the match, remember to write stuff like: "No rain, dammit!" And "God, how I wish it was raining!!!" Then claim that your antics in fact symbolize the ancient Rain-gathering Armenian ritual "cause the Hen need H2O to grow stronger."

Match 7:

The Everquest stunt... This is the oldest one in the book! It should annoy the enemy simply because it has been worked over more than Madonna's and Christian Slater's liver... combined.

Simply throw your weapons out through the window and offer to negotiate your terms claiming you've found gold coins on one of the hostages, and that he's in fact a left-behind astro-physicist from Half-Life that can make powerful beam weapons out of scrap metal.

TAUNT 1: A win for 2 pieces of gold??
TAUNT 2: Throw in an AK-47? Brand new! Never been used!

Beg CTs to spare your life in exchange for some cheap and fashionable Arctic Warfare slacks and ski masks for half the price!

Trade in those ski masks.

Enemy walks into the house - shoots your team dead! By now the score should read: CTs 7; Ts 0.

Match 8:

First, run and hide all over the map. Make it so that CTs can't find you for at least a minute. They'll probably head to your base and wait for you there. What you and your teammates should do is gather around one of the hen and kinda just crouch there; looking at it. Eventually, CTs will find you... and shoot you...

Get well, soon!

TAUNT 1: Booooo!!! Ohhh the cruel beast! Life is a cruel BEAST!!!
TAUNT 2: Live, LIVE!!!!!!
TAUNT 3: Here, try tickling her a bit!

Be sure to claim that the poor bird was sick and that you had to take care of it (hence the above taunts). Be sure to say that one of the hostages had the cure, but that he resisted and you had to kill him. And then there was no cure for the sick hen. You chased the hostage around the map for a while and you all felt badly and went to offer support to the sick bird and shield her from any harm.

Match 9:

Gather around at the opening just outside the T-house and kill each other. The last man should detonate a HE grenade.

TAUNT 1: I do this for peace! I do this for the love in my heart!!!
TAUNT 2: I SAVE THE EARTH FOR THE WARMTH IN MY LUNGS!!!! IT IS MY SOUL THAT IS TICKING IN IT!!!

Be sure to explain afterwards that you've developed a terrible ebola-like anaerobic virus from being near the sick hen, and you felt bad for the world and the CTs, and blew yourself up to kill the virus and stop the outbreak.

Match 10:

Line up in front of the house and start jumping around in a rhythmic fashion. First 1, then 2, then 3, and so on and so fort...

TAUNT 1: Working out makes my muscles sweat. And 1, and 2, and 3, and 4... and 1, and 2, and 3, and 4... I feel so liberated! My abs are so nice. Feel my abs, man! Washboard, baby!
TAUNT 2: No virus for me when I'm in shape!
TAUNT 3: Hey CTs, feel my firm buttocks?

Excercize buttocks...

CTs find you - CTs shoot you. Claim that you had to stay fit for the next mission, as the respawned hen seemed to suffer from the same type of ebola-like virus as before. Claim that you were doing body aerobics to increase the tone of your metabolism. Either that, or you've been called upon to take part in the annual FPS gamer's gay men dancing contest in Reno this summer. Either one should work...