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WIREZ - Fast Way To The Top by Karen McDougal

August 13, 2001
ActionTrip Editors
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Today, we dig deep into the wonderful world of Dotcom. Since 1997, this branch of the tech-industry has been on the constant rise and is now taking up an important place in the global spectrum of the world economy. The so-called I-generation is taking over - more and more people are buying online and this has truly been a revolution of commerce, as we know it. Or should we call this phenomenon e-commerce?

Bustling young entrepreneurs are making hundreds of thousands of dollars simply by setting up a successful business model from the comfort of their own homes. Many new and emerging companies have gone from just being a pastime of a couple of dedicated basement dwellers to huge multi-million dollar corporations with hundreds of employees and solid marketing strategies.

We talk today with one of these brave new pioneers of the new and emerging market. We're so excited to have with us Brandon Walsh (no relation to 90210), CEO of one of the most renowned I-companies of today, offlineonlinenz.com.

Wirez: Tell us Brandon, what is the secret to Offon's success?

BW: Well, we have managed to reconceptualize the way the average Internet consumer thinks by providing integrated offline content, which is delivered to the potential consumer through our D3CMRM service, which stands for Dedicated 3-way Consumer Marketing Revenue Model. What we do is provide the end-user with the information straight from the assigned content provider, therefore eliminating the third party by replacing him with our D3CMRM software service, and that is why this system is called the 3-way Consumer Marketing Revenue Model.

Wirez: Yes of course. Yes, we've all been studying your business model and may I add that it seems solid as a rock Brandon. But tell me, how in the world did you come up with such an incredible idea?

BW: Well Karen, I have always been a dreamer. I grew up in a small town in Indiana and all of my life I wanted to be like Larry Bird -- show those buffed up black guys that slow white guys can still ball, but you see, I'm 5ft 8", so I had to give up on that idea. Then I tried assassinating Michael Jordan (because of what he did to Larry in that playoff game), but the security wouldn't let me carry a sniper to a ball game. I was really pissed, so I had to give up that idea as well. Then it occurred to me I could do sexual favors to old men and women, but they all said I sucked, so I put poi... noodles in their soups and left. Little did they know about my talents, so I didn't even bother to explain. And then one day, I was standing dangerously close to a sexy girl in the subway, as I always do, when it suddenly dawned on me. I could reconceptualize the way consumers think by offering them something they could never have on their own without someone explaining to them how excellent that something really is. And that is how the idea for offlineonlinenz.com was born. I went to my friend Josh's house and we stole a VISA from his dad and registered the domain name. The rest is history.

Wirez: So, what happened then? Oh, do tell us!

BW: Then the money started rolling in Karen. VC capital started flowing, and we could barely fend off the investors. We finally had enough cash to make that IPO jump, and before you know it, I set up a huge billboard that said: "How Do You Like Me Now, Old Farts?!" Which was excellent. I even got to meet Michael Jordan on some party once, and just about as I was getting ready to set the detonator, I had to give a speech for the "I-Man of the Year" award, and then I sniffed cocaine later and totally forgot about it.

Years went by, and my head begun to hurt from all the cocaine. Just out of kicks I hired a couple of old farts that said I sucked to bring me 11-piece chicken McNuggets every day, and we all know that there is no such thing as an 11-piece McNuggets meal, so that was kinda fun. There was no chance in hell I could understand our company's financial reports, partly because my head hurt from all the drugs, and partly because I was not really into all these figures with dots and zeros. But then one day, a couple of these guys showed up at my door and said they were really EXCITE-d about my company and offered me a shitload of cash to buy me off.

Well, it's not as if I needed the money, so at first I said no. But then I sniffed some more cocaine, and I totally liked the idea. They gave me 49% ownership, and made me a CEO.

I tell ya Karen, my life has been a bore ever since. I don't really do Jack shit, and now I hear that Michael Jordan is getting out of retirement. Again!! Fucking asshole!! I stopped smoking and I went to an AA program. I was slowly beginning to pick up the pieces of my life when that bastard announced his comeback (yet again)! As it turns out, those fuckheads that bought the company managed to screw it up somehow and now we're losing advertisers and investors by the minute. But that's OK, cause they're all stupid, and they don't know about my talents. I already invested the money I got into sponsoring this huge online project mensbras.com. Essentially, I think that men should wear bras, but since many will probably be too ashamed to go into a store and ask for one, I have set up a 3-way Consumer Marketing Revenue Model v.1.0.2.3 (the reconceptualized version) which will allow them to pick the lily white ones (with lace) with one simple click of the button. I also made the site in Berlin language since I heard they have a lot of fags out there that dance around wearing women's bras. Which is stupid, and I think they should all wear men's bras.

Wirez: Who are we to question the mind of a genius? All of us at Wirez magazine adore you Brandon, and think that your pink tie perfectly matches the fact that you have no pants on.

BW: Well, one would think that that is a fashion statement, but I'm really broke, since I also invested in some Doublesick, or was it Troubleclick or something ad rep company (I was sniffing cocaine at the time, so I forgot), and pretty much lost all my money.

But there is a positive side to all of this. During my time as CEO of offlineonlinenz.com I had a couple of hookers come by every day, and they taught me some neat tricks. Now those old farts from the "Lovely Lives" retirement home are finally happy with my skills, and now I'm saving money to buy the mensbras.com domain name. I'm positive that by 2002, this puppy is gonna take off, and I'll make tons of money by selling something useful this time around. And I'll sniff cocaine again.

Wirez: Thank you ever so much Brandon! We wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

BW: Any time Karen. Say, you happen to have a quarter? I seem to have misplaced my wallet. I'll give you a blow job. Oh, you're a woman? Sorry, it's all that cocaine I used to sniff... it's getting to me.

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