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Duke Nukem Forever Preview

September 07, 2005
ActionTrip Editors

As it turns out, we managed to find an old hands-on preview of Duke Nukem Forever from years ago. We made Smapdey do the write up. Unfortunately, at the time, he was about 13 years old, so he might sound a little...jubilant. Yes, even more so than he does now. Yes, that is possible - Ed.

Holy shit guys this game is so freaking awesome! There's boobies and cops to kill everywhere! I have never played a game this cool in a billion million years and I bet I will never play a game this cool until Half-Life 2 comes out when that will be HAHAHA yeah I bet before I'm in high school we'll get half-life 2 because that would make a lot of sense to have that.

I'm actually disappointed that he used the exclamation point on a few occasions in this paragraph. We could've made this the longest, most incoherent sentence ever written. That is if we don't count a couple of lines from the "Titanic" movie script. - Ed.

Anyways, recently I put my Jedi Knight hacking online (I AM A 1337 h4x0r!!111) so that I could play this awesome game called Duke Nukem Forever as a journalist. I love gaming so much I'm going to name my son Diablo Mephisto Baal. When does that come out anyways? I need to play that one. I bet I'll be really 1337 h4x0r there too!

At this point, we slipped Smappy some Ritalin, and then when that didn't work, we let him watch about thirty seconds of porn, then sent him to the bathroom. That calmed him down a bit; he should actually start writing coherently soon. - Ed.

Man, that felt good. I'm never going to stop doing that - MASTURBATING!

Yeah, hey, anyways, I have decided that I am going to talk only about Duke Nukem Forever now. It is so amazing; I like the strippers because I haven't really seen boobies in real life yet. I felt a few last summer in the movie theatre with this girl, Jessica, and that was really awesome, so now I'm always looking for boobies. And StarCraft. Man, I wish I could work as a beta tester for Blizzard. That would be sweet.

Anyways, Duke Nukem Forever is not an MMO. I know those are popular right now, because my friend Mason is totally addicted to EverQuest and like I don't get it, because like the game looks like cool and all, but I don't know that I can afford ten dollars a month. That's ridiculous. No one can afford that. Seriously, I bet that MMOs will totally die off, because they are so repetitive. You basically just do the same shit all the time. So I am really glad that Duke Nukem Forever is not one of those because that would totally suck my wiener.

Just like my Algebra teacher. I hate you, Ms. Brooks.

Anyways, Duke Nukem Forever is about Duke Nukem and now he has to save people from the pig cops by shooting all the pig cops with big guns and fucking their shit up ROYALLY. Yeah MAN! FUCK DA POLICE! That is totally what I am talking about!

Yeah, but I was playing this game, and I went into the server, and I put my clan tag up and all of that, "YEAH, GO SABER CLAN", and then I started like killing all kinds of crazy beta people and all of that, it was really cool. They were really impressed by my clan because SABER clan is like the best clan in the world. My friend Walker would probably tell you that TLE is the best clan, but he doesn't know what he's talking about, our forum board is way better. WAY BETTER.

This game is probably the funniest game ever made. I mean, PIG COPS! That is so fucking clever! I don't know how anyone could ever think of that shit. This game is almost as funny as Southpark was before Southpark went all high-brow and started trying to contain social messages. What the fuck is that about?

Right about now, some glaring inconsistencies with historical facts in Smap's writing should be apparent to everyone. However, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. When a person is stoned like he is most of the time, that person can travel through time. On the other hand, a simple matter of putting your pants on the right way seems as daunting as getting an LA hospital named after OJ Simpson. Naturally, this means that for this article, Smapdey has traveled back and forth through time with his pants on his head and his hat sitting comfortably on the protruding extremity emanating from the center of his crotch. He even claims his past self made love to Avril Lavringe when she was twelve-years-old in the future. - Ed.

Anyways, this game is really funny because sometimes Duke will talk about farts and shit or dicks and pussy and all of that. I bet in the full version we'll get to see vagina or something. Man, I really want to see one of those. That would be amazing.

Male mythology teaches us that when a child is born, a simple vagina will usually grow into a huge and hideous beast that can consume entire adult males. Do not be afraid, fellow man. Remember to call it sexy, even if your words echo inside there. - Ed.

The gameplay is really cool too, although it uses these stupid WASD keys and not the arrow keys, I mean seriously, what the fuck is with that? I know that Jedi Knight has those keys hidden in there, but who wants to strafe instead of turn? That is just plain retarded.

Yeah, anyways though, I'm thinking that the weapons are really cool, and I'm going to copy some of them down and try to put them in this Jedi Knight mod I've been thinking about making once I learn how to use that stupid JK edit program that they have over at Massassi.

Anyways, this game is really cool, but fifty bucks is a lot of money, so you'll probably have to trick your parents into buying it for you or saving up a lot or something, I don't know. But like fifty bucks would buy you a shitload of action figures like my friend Mikey has, and then we can use those to make movies with his camera. I really like videogames, and I'm sure they'll influence me when I'm a famous movie director someday when my movies win all these awards and shit too.

I strongly suspect that full stop has committed suicide after paragraph three. - Ed.

The gameplay has one new thing, you can lean around corners, which is like what I do when I play with my nerf guns in the house. This is a good touch, and I bet that most games will use it in the future. By the way, use God mode and stuff, it makes it a whole lot more fun than dieing all the time. No one could ever beat this game without cheats ever. That's why all games have cheats. Dumbasses!

(Okay. Years later, I realize that Duke Nukem Forever better not have the same appeal to me that it had then, although I would still really like to see vagina. And Jedi Knight was the shit. Also, I think my graphics card has more memory now than my entire computer did when I wrote this. In short, unless Duke Nukem Forever has kept up with the growth of its target audience, 3D Realms is pretty much fucked. - Smapdey)

And with this, we put you out of your misery. Be happy you are not us. The only people who would rather be us are the victims. Which don't exist, of course. Not in our basement and not in that place where Smap goes to hang out with Mr. Shovel. - Ed.

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