Gaming Cliches

OK, this article is supposed to cover some of the gaming cliches that have become widely accepted by the gaming community without it ever wanting to do anything about the reoccurring practices seen in so many of today's PC games. To give you a better insight into what I'm talking about, I'll just mention the famous horror movie cliche. You know, two guys, or better yet a married couple trapped in their new house even though they've been hearing chains clunk and screams coming from the basement in the middle of the night. Now there's your classic cliche idea. Instead of running like hell, and just saying - ahh, the hell with this stupid house, they, for some completely irrational reason decide to stay and kinda snoop around the basement late at night to inspect the strange voices. Well, screw that! I'd be out the door before you could say 911, and if the phone lines were cut, and my cell phone network was mysteriously down, I'd shoot flare rockets in the sky, and sprint to the nearest 7-11 for a pop. One thing's damn sure; I'd steer clear of the damn basement. However, if all the characters in horror movies acted the way a normal guy would react then there'd be no horror movies. All movies would end about 2 minutes through the first few scenes because the main character decided NOT to inspect that basement, and NOT to poke around nasty stuff at night. Of course, this "curiosity killed the cat" cliche is a must in horror movies, and is widely accepted by the fans as such.

One other example of a classic movie cliche is the "leaving him to swim in shark-infested waters and suffer an over-elaborate death, instead of just shooting him right there on the spot." This cliche goes hand in hand with the "tell all aspects of your devious plot while the hero is tide down, so that he knows where to look for that nuke, once he breaks free" cliche. Both of these cliches were excellently made fun of in Austin Powers, in those famous dialogues between Dr. Evil and his teenage son. And I'll give you yet another example of an entertainment industry cliche - the WWF "the guy is down on the floor, he suffered a mean kick in the groin, but his opponent decides not to stomp his head while he's on the floor. Despite the fact that the guy standing over that other guy is supposed to be the bad guy he decides for some completely moronic reason to let the good guy on the floor recover, subsequently loosing the match because of it. Some bad guy, huh?

Anyways, it's safe to assume from this rather lengthy introduction that PC games are probably suffering from similar types of cliches as the rest of the entertainment media. And this article is here to prove that fact. Just look at all the space sim. Wing Commander inspired games... I mean how many times have you heard this one: "Lt. XXX will be in charge of the squad Alpha. This is supposed to be a routine recon mission with minimal enemy activity. No enemy fighters have been sighted anywhere near this sector. Your squad is supposed to inspect the abandoned freighters in the area, and return home after all of them have been thoroughly searched for [insert your favorite valuable cosmic material]. A shuttle carrying miners and experts is supposed to hyperspace into the area, and dock with one of the freighters to analyze the valuable substance.

What happens next is I guess familiar to anyone who has ever played more than two space sim. games.

YOUR WINGMAN: Sir, I'm picking up strange readings on my sensors...

ONE OF THE EXPERTS REPORTING FROM INSIDE THE DOCKED FRAIGHTER: My God, these artifacts seem to be the workings of an ancient alien civilization... let me just poke at one of them (curiosity killed the cat horror movie cliche applied to gaming)... Oh my God! It's soo warm... organic ... it pulsates! Wait, I hear something, something's approaching fast, moving on six legs in the hallway to the left... Let me just take a look (horror cliche, again)... ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU: Kirk, Kirk! Come in Kirk!

YOUR WINGMAN: Sir, four hostile ships of unknown origin closing in... They're firing photon missiles!!! BOOOOM!!!!

All hell breaks lose, and what supposed to be a routine scouting mission turned into a hectic space mayhem with ship debris and strange looking alien pilots saying things like: I shall eat your skull, and feed my children with your entrails, Federation scum!!!

There you have it, our first example of a PC gaming cliche -- the so-called "routine recon mission" cliche. For once, I would just like to see a routine mission, be just that - a routine mission! That would be cool, wouldn't it? You get the routine mission mission briefing, you go out on the mission, and you truly do encounter minimal-to-none enemy activity. Further more, it turns out that one of the freighters was home to an intergalactic brothel, and you kinda slip in to your leisure suite and visit the red district freighter. You have yourself a whale of a time with one of the 6-tit hookers, and you return to the cruiser all cheerful and relaxed, smoking a big-fat Cuban, and saying stuff like - whoa, those Malmacian Guana-Girls sure know how to have a good time! And - hey wingmen, I'll have your ass fired if you mention any of this to my wife!

Now there's a mission to break all cliches...

My next gaming cliches rant will deal with, what I call, the "swarming small creatures" FPS cliche... Look for it next week...