Gaming Cliches 2

DISCLAIMER: This is not supposed to be a "serious" editorial. Jesus Christ, I never thought I would have to write this disclaimer, but judging by some of the feedback we've received on the first article, it appears I must. It's an offbeat stupid rant, a space filler, as some might call it. But I fucking like it! And it just may have a point hidden in this pile of words somewhere.

Gaming Clichés and/or Stereotypes and Conspiracy Theories

I assume you've read my first Gaming Cliches article, and you know what the hell I'm talking about. If not, just hop on over here, and treat yourself with a barrage of silly conclusions from the first article. Anyways, my plan is to expose some of the reoccurring idiotic things that appear in today's games, and that have been appearing for God knows how long without anybody from the press taking the time to write anything about it.

Today, I plan to cover my favorite genre -- the FPS games. Sure, you have all sorts of FPS games -- from masterpieces like: Half Life to sub par representations of the genre, like: Mortyr, Daikatana, or the infamous Extreme Paintbrawl. However, no matter how different these games are in terms of quality, a great majority of them has some similar traits, or rather cliches that have become a sort of a trademark of the genre. What? You're thinking about the Duke Nukem Macho-Blond-Dude Cliche? Well, that's not what I'm referring to. I'm thinking more along the lines of little critters, bugs, skeletons, frogs, mosquitoes, crab-like things in Half-Life, and those little things that attack you in narrow passages in Elite Force that look strangely similar to Half Life's crab-like alien thingies. Than we have the rats, those bees from FAKK2, and well... I can't even name all the pesky little alien or earthly buggers that have attacked our FPS heroes over the years. I remember everybody complaining about the frogs in Daikatana. Well folks, that is 'biz as usual' for FPS games, I'm afraid. Even Half Life, a game that featured some of the most incredible soldier AI I have ever come across was plagued by the invasion of the little crabs that attacked your face taking away 10 HP.

Now in the best manner of paranoid conspiracy theories, I would have to presume that all lead programmers and AI coders belong to a secret Masonic Small Critter Haters Society, or MS-CHS (note the first two letters - evil Microsoft conspiracy to brainwash gamers all over the world). This vile organization is out to destroy every creature on this planet, or indeed the Solar System, that weighs in under 2lbs. Hell yeah, it's as plain as Liebermann's latent homosexuality! Boss creatures are scarcely found in games, and they only appear at the end of a certain chapter, while the small critters appear in thousands flooding your screen, and aimlessly charging at your guns. A person that has never played a FPS game before could easily interpret such activity as Subconsciously Imbeded Small Critter Genocidal Sentiment, or SISCGS.

Because of his undying love for rabbits (which usually weigh in at more than 2lbs, but are still considered small critters), this gaming cliche, or in fact, a vicious genocidal sublime message infuriated our Ass. Editor, Bunny, and he vowed to horribly torture the first programmer to include evil rabbits as a start-off slaughter AI in a FPS game. This is where I draw the line - he said. No more! I shall take no more of this mindless critter slaughter! For God's sake! Can't you see those poor creatures are charging just because some evil Masonic AI coder decided to include the "see poly, run to poly" routine, with total disregard for creatures' safety. After some contemplation, our doped-out editor, Dex, added that id Software is also to blame for a similar, yet technically different type of a cliche (or stereotype rather) by allowing all the Quake III newbies to connect to the servers and charge you with the machine gun, while playing with keyboard only and aiming at the floor. We all agreed that this is not a valid analogy since those players actually exhibit properties, or rather, should exhibit properties of human intelligence.

Back to the critters. Have you ever wondered why the hell do these programmers include vicious small animals or bugs in their games in the first place? No, seriously, whacky conspiracy theories aside, are they just lazy to include different types of AI that do not solely consist of frogs leaping off the ground to bite your ass, or do they follow a certain clandestine doctrine:

Valve Programmer: Boy, this soldier AI really kicks ass! Can't wait to show you what I did with the aliens. They are these super smart beings, and their methods of strategic warfare are unsurpassed!
Lead Designer: What?!? You raving lunatic, I'll have you thrown to the lions!
VP: Er, I don't get it; what's the problem? The alien AI is real smart, honest! It's way smarter than the human AI, and the human AI is pretty smart to begin with.
Lead Designer: Oh yeah, mister smarty programmer! And what did we forget...?
VP: I don't understand...
LD: Oooh you don't understand, eh?! You scoundrel!! Everybody knows that aliens are like animals -- they are dumb, and they attack like mad dogs, or like hyena, in packs...
VP: But, but... if they're smart enough to travel across a thousand galaxies how come they act like a bunch of wild cows on a stampede during combat?
LD: What?! You dare challenge our beliefs, you little maggot?!
VP: No, I'm just saying that if they managed to build a ship that can travel beyond the speed of light maybe they can fight smarter than us, too. So, I though I'd include these advanced tactics scripts... ... they're not super-smart or anything, but they'll present a hard enough challenge for the average gamer...
LD: I'll have none of that!!! The aliens are stupid, end of argument! Make them run around and charge at you, and then retreat when they're hurt.
VP: Hmmm... all right.
LD: Oh, and did you include the little crab-like aliens?
VP: The little what??
LD: The crab-like small alien critters, fool! How can we have a FPS game without it!!!
VP: But... (Receives a smack across the mouth and a kick in the groin)
LD: You dare challenge the "always throw in small animals in FPS games" doctrine?!? Fellas, let's hang this heretic!!!

Whatever the reason, you should stop and think for a second the next time you're playing KISS and killing all those purple spiders. You should ask yourself: why are they making me kill tons of kamikaze bugs? And why do they include these AI routines with similar-looking creatures in almost every FPS game?

The truth is out there...