Quarkium Interview

Action Trip has been on a little trip to Armenia recently, where we had a lengthy and informative chat with Koosmos Rapeteest, Lead Designer and Creative Director on Shepluv's upcoming revolutionary 3D RTS game with action and RPG elements set in the backdrop of the ancient American and Greek Polis.

"Quarkium is the next logical step in game design" - says Koosmos, whose previous best-sellers include a smashing Starcraft like RTS game, which was positively huge on the EuroAsian market, and according to the local market analysts: "sold more units than what've sold AK-47's and Hashish last year". Needless to say, we were thoroughly impressed with what Shepluv's has done with this project. Without a doubt, Quarkium is looking to be one of the sleeper hits of the year. Our editor Bunny was quoted saying that: "Quarkium" brings so many new features to the genre, that a War and Peace like report wouldn't do it justice.

So, it is with great pleasure that we present you with this world-first, exclusive interview with the Shepluv team. They're such a nice bunch of guys we've had to restrain Bunny from kissing the Lead Artist:

So can you tell us a bit more about the game's general concept -- the background story, unique features?

We can certainly will.

The game obtains place in Ancient Egypt with a lot of mommies and some ookie skeletons, and sheep.

But certainly, there's more to the storyline than that.

Most certainly isn't. We have more skeletons and some warewolfs and fangs!

Hmm, well yes, but does the story have a basic plot?

I am main character because I swim more fastest than Kiska (our Lead Artist), because he's a happy man and he like to obtain it from other happy man! I swim across a lakes nakkid and I dive to find pearls. And I see a big Neptune looking at my eyes. And he say's you must've builded the underground city beneath water who can prosper so that more man like myself can swim up and we conquer the people living in the ground on the city's. So, the gam is a serious battle between fish people and ground people that hunt sheep.

And sheep eat meat, so meat is the most valuable resource and you train your units to produce meet by murdering old sheep... so that HAHAH, old sheep eat new sheep and other nation has lots of water so they don't digest meat!!! They've slaughter and chop little swimming sardinas.

We also have money dollars (as the best resource) and you can use this oneline form at http://www.quarkiumeatsheeps.com/ to send us some fo your resource so that we can buy you more stuff in the game. The exchange rate is dust-cheap - you can buy a fang in out game for $$10,000 dollars and we sand you a spank my note to say we love you like we live your.

Remember main character is me, and I swim fastest than happy man obtaining penis from other happy man Lead Designer Kiska who is also ugly and stupid and has a lot of pubic hair where he's not allowed.

Hmmm... Yes, but we're still not clear on how the Ancient American Polis' fit in. We though the term was a metaphor used to convey the game's ironical and provocative message to the audience?

Yes we shown breasts in the game and American women have a lot of breast, and they are ancient. And long history is American Polis, beneath Jesus Christ.

You mean before?

Yes, yes, and Pluto.

You're referring to the Disney's animated character?

No, the smart thinker who invented philosophy! Ancient American Polis!

I'm afraid that would be Plato, the famous Greek philosopher, sir.

Poop! No Ancient American polisess! Kiska you're are happy and you acquire it from big black man!!! Take atlas, you anus! There is no American Polis!!!

So, we give up American polis, but we keep a lot of meat and sheep. And our general gaming resource US dollars HAHAHA.

And now we want to make a ONLine Massive Jungle Game too with a lot of monkeys on a lot of aspirin and other drugs.

You're making such important design / business decisions on the fly?

No NO NO, because our Kiska happy man doesn't know that America was made up in 1492, by Spanish guys, now we have to mike a totally different gam!!!!!!!!

So, I guess it's pointless to ask about the revolutionary 3D engine.

I can talk engines, we can talk that before we buy Microsoft on E3 this year in the 2001! We buys Xbox and sell it to Sony and we mess up Microsoft and have Billly meet Kiska and they're happy together, and they make little babies. Happy MAN!

You realize that MS could sue you for slander now?

I can file a suit you! I know law! I am lowayer and swim for pearls that's how I come up with ideas!

Right, can you give us a basic overview of the 3D technology?

Screw you cause now we don't have Ancient American Polis and people want give money to us!!!

How 'bout an expected release date?

I'll send yo a virus, screw you, have sex, have sex!!!

Thanks for your time and I wish you all the best.

YOU HAPPY MAN OBTAINING IT FROM THE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!