'The Da Vinci Code' Game - The Definitive Review

I finally finished The Da Vinci code video game. The book and now the movie have been the subject of a lot of controversy, and the game only seems to add fuel to the fire.

To begin with, I don't understand why the developers chose the first-person shooter genre to tell Dan Brown's story. Honestly, how plausible is it to have to down about three hundred albino monks in the opening levels of the game? Is it *that* easy to find Spanish albino monks who speak fluent Latin? Quite a strange choice for 'lowbie' enemy characters that are supposed to ease you into the gameplay. Occasionally, a flying goblin would interrupt the wave of mindless charging monks, but due to severe collision detection and path finding issues, the goblin would charge right into the monks, and you'd have to reload the level just to let the scripted scene play out. Not to mention that I was not entirely clear on the correlation between monks and goblins.

Luckily, you get to replace the crowbar-like crucifix with a shotgun quite early on in the game. This made mowing down hordes of albino monks a lot easier. The shotgun, however, has low splash damage, so I suggest you bind the crucifix to a hotkey for that emergency blow to the forehead when one of the monks comes too close.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. First a few words about the storyline.

Much like in Half-Life, you start the game off as a well-known scholar by the name of Robert Langdon. At first glance, Robert Langdon is just your average run-off-the-mill Harvard professor - snotty and wearing a tweed jacket. However, as all good video game heroes, professor Langdon is soon given the chance to show his other side.

You are invited to a lecture in Paris when suddenly, a portal opens, and all manner of zombie clerics spawn out of it. Now the art on the models is pretty good, I must say. The Inquisition cardinals wear their customary red robes and thin pointy mustache, and Pope Boniface II is supporting a beer gut and a fancy hat. The voice acting on the other hand is a bit lacking. Chants of "repent" and "thou shall repent for crying out loud" are repetitive and not entirely accurate, historically speaking. Getting past that minor gripe, the baby Jesus grenade launchers are pretty neat. The babies do a lot of splash damage and you are required to strafe a lot when fighting the Archbishops.

But to get back to the story, Robert Langdon is tasked with discovering the true identity of the Holy Grail and stopping the insane cult of cell phone operators bent on taking over the world through subliminal 'the person you are calling is unavailable' messages. Cleric spawns are slowly taking over the building as Dr. Langdon and his big-busted blond female sidekick are forced to move underground, just so that they could periodically come out into the daylight and show off the fancy HDR (High Dynamic Range) lighting effects. Naturally, Langdon and his sassy little vixen are accused of multiple murders. Even more naturally, Robert Langdon maintains GPS/Satellite/Wi-fi contact with a good friend in the FBI who blatantly disregards the orders to apprehend the escaped fugitives and helps them in their search for the Holy Grail. "Professor Langdon, the Holy Grail has something to do with Leonardo Da Vinci. He won Tour de France three years ago." Langdon: "Didn't Lance Armstrong kick his whop ass?" "I don't know, I'll have to get back to you on that." In any case, Langdon uses his photographic memory skills to follow the clues left by the cunning Italian cyclist, which lead him right to the Eiffel Tower, the only landmark in France any true-blooded American has ever heard of. There, Professor Langdon discovers that his sidekick is in fact a descendant of Jesus Christ. "Thank God, it's not Barbra Streisand," Langdon is shouting as the two of them are warding off thousands of undead missionaries, who are crawling along the tower's metal construction.

The soundtrack from 'Alice in Chains' is a perfect fit for this game. As The Da Vinci Code mostly relies on a Serious Sam-like atmosphere, it's quite refreshing to mow down undead religious zealots while listening to heavy guitar riffs.

Finally, I should like to point out that the main boss encounter is ridiculously hard as compared to the rest of the game. Ian McClellan as Gandalf shows why this old wizard is still at the top of his game. Oh what? Like you can see the guy in any other role.

Overall, The Da Vinci Code game posed some serious questions, and what we got are serious answers. There are more albino monks in the world than anyone has ever dreamed of, and descendants of Jesus Christ can float on water. With hooters like that, you'd be harder to sink than a packet of cocaine in a toilet bowl.

I give the game 80/100.