The Game Reviewer

DISCLAIMER: Hi, I'm doing this shit so that I could earn enough money to pay Jenna Jameson for the night.

Enjoy my space fillers. God knows I do!

A Critical Look at the Game Reviewers' Culture

Game Designer: Finally, after so many years, my greatest work is completed! Going through that painful divorce and losing custody over my two beautiful daughters will finally be justified... And now I'll be able to pay that mortgage on my house, and I'll get my late dad's pawned gold watch back!!! I'm even thinking of reducing the bottle-a-day intake of Prozac! Yeah, and the cat-scan says I've only slight brain damage due to the 24h-a-day monitor exposure...

Game Goes Gold... Game hits stores...

Game Reviewer: (Typing stuff...) This game is so bad I wouldn't recommend its covers to be used as ass whipers 'cause they might transfer some of the stupidity onto your better part of the body... BOOO, 0%, YOU SUCK!!! (Scuffles at the CD cover in disgust)

He, he... This is sure to generate hits... I mean I did write some witty remarks! Hey EIC, check out this review I did on Young Developer's FPS - Massacre at The Haunted House No. 13.

EIC: Hey, that game wasn't so bad... whatcha give it?

Game Reviewer: Well, I spilled some coffee while I was playing it, and I got the nastiest paper cut when I tried to pick the CD cover off the floor with my toes. Damn stupid game! I kinda got even more pissed when I found out I couldn't spend the night with my boyfriend 'cause of the fucking review deadline!

EIC: Yeah, but whatcha give it?

GR: Er, 0%...

EIC: Oh, ughm... does that mean I will now have to read the whole thing, and edit it so that we could squeeze a miniscule bit of integrity out of it? Shit... That's sooo boring, man! I gotta go home, they're installing my new DSL. I'll be downloading porn like crazy!!! I was usually done by the time the .JPEG download gets to their bellybuttons. That was sooo cruel, man!

GR: I hear ya, man! Er, sorry about that editing nonsense.

So, are we a go? (Scratching his butt with his index finger.)

EIC: Huh, er, yeah sure... tell our code monkeys to publish the review tomorrow!

Review gets published in a famous online magazine (we'll call the bastards The Famous All-knowing Website)... designer reads the review...

Designer sitting all alone next to his PC in the moist and disease-stricken apartment building:

Game Designer: Gulp, mmm... o... ther ... mom, is that you? NOO, my mom is dead. Yeah, I put her into that foster home ... I had to pay for that damn 3D engine license! I had to sell all her belongings... Father? Emily (his ex wife)! My God, no one's here! I'm all alone!!!

..............

Game designer trying to cheer himself up:

I mean the review is not THAT bad! I mean... he did say that you're able to look at the graphics for more than 10 minutes without suffering nausea, or starting to lightly vomit and make strange hissing sounds. That's a good thing, right? And I mean, hmmm.... Who reads their stuff anyway?

(Ding-dong) The famous "you've got mail" default sound in Microsoft Outlook.

Subject: - LETER FROM AN X FAN! Fw: CHECK HOW THAT GAMe SUXXX!!!!!!!!

DUDE I''VE READ THE REWIEV POSTED ON THA FAMOUS ALLKNOWING WEBSIT and your game SUXXX!!!YOU SUX ASS!I didn't play the gam or nothin butt Im not crazy spend my MONEY on this BUTTCRACK NOW!BOOO FAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Virus sent as a 'Happy NY' .EXE attachment)

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

wERd,
P1MP <<< ---- 00101001 ----- >>>

>----- Original Message -----
> From: MaCP1mp <macp1mp@hackerzeulezyousux.com
> To: FAGGG!!! HA HA HA <p1mp@hackerzeulezyousux.com
> Sent: Tuesday, September 19, 2000 8:48 PM
> Subject: FW: CHECK HOW THAT GAMe SUXXX!!!!!!!!

Game Designer: Must... think.... Stay... focused...

OK, you all know where this story is heading, so I'll spare you the rest of the details. In the worst-case scenario, the programmer was found next to a body of a dead teenager who was wearing satin underwear (later discovered in the police report) with a suicide note in his hand that says: MY HOPES... ALL GONE!!! And the teenager was holding a gold copy of a game he was supposed to review next, and a ZIP diskette with the folder: 'DSL Rules - EIC's Black Studs Porn Pics.'

Good thing that most of the programmers are wuss nerd-people that don't have the balls to do what our miserable programmer in the story did, so the resulting hostility usually transgresses into a few vile profanities aimed at the reviewer, and a kick in the PC. Possibly an intense argument with the AI coders.

Game Designer: What do you mean the enemy AI was supposed to bang its head against a wall in a looping sequence?? You, you.... MORON!!!

Of course, you're perfectly aware that this is a satirical example of the potential case of unprofessional conduct on the part of the gaming press, but one way or another, shit like this actually does happen (well, probably not like that)! That's what you get when a few people act as Messiahs and start to think their purpose is to form the opinion of the masses. For the most part, the success of the games intended for the hardcore crowd and targeted at the segment of the gaming community that spends more time talking smack in forums than playing games depends on a couple of reviewers' thoughts on them. One reviewer lays smack, other reviewer reads the review ... consciously or subconsciously develops a prejudice, and then writes his 'objective' opinion. The next thing you know, there's only a few obscure websites that characterize the game as 'decent,' and there's one rather popular gaming website that agrees with the few obscure praises just so that they would counter the competition and appear 'above the rest of us peasants, and in tune with the hardest of the hardcores.' And who's to guarantee that the reviewer working at the famous online magazine that did the review that started the avalanche isn't a total cynical asshole that just masterfully fakes professionalism (like yours truly). Ahh, c'mon you've read some similar doped out reviews here at Action Trip! Basically, guys who haven't an ounce of creativity and are in this online press business simply because they can't make games themselves, get to lay smack on some poor guy that has put his life into his work, and obviously strives to achieve something noble (whatever you may think of that something). Yeah, and earn some cash. Demos are a great thing and they usually serve as a decent guideline, but they don't serve as guarantees any more.

The average reviewers' standards have gone sky-high nowadays. His IQ stayed the same though. Pretty levels and decent gameplay won't do the trick! He'll even characterize decent games as total flops! And I emphasize again, who's to say that the bad score had nothing to do with the fact that a reviewer got pissed at something or somebody which/who should be totally irrelevant to the game score?

Before you know it, the game is characterized as a flop... and sells like suntan lotion in December.

I guess my question is: what do game developers think of the game reviewers? I would like them to be honest for once....

Hey, if you're a stupid game developer write me at: mikehornerJR @ actiontrip . com

Late Game Designer's Final Few Words: Where's my 12-gauge, I'm gonna blow that fag brat to Kingdom Come! Who's he to say that my game sucks?!? My life, I'm ruined!!!

Mike Horner Jr.