Video Games are Evil

Many of you have probably been tuning in to see this whole "Hot Coffee" business. I am completely disgusted by it. I would have never played Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas had I known that pornographic images were contained within. I am ashamed that my name is on the review. The human form is one of the vilest and most disgusting images around. I think that everyone who likes looking at naked women is a pervert and a rapist, and should be locked away for the rest of their life. If you crave breasts, wiener, vagina, or sex, you are a godless, amoral pervert that will burn in a thousand hells for your sins against our dear Lord and common social decency. (Last I checked, Trustkill burned in 3,874 hells - just goes to show... - 2Lions)

That being said, I would like to talk about how videogames are turning us into criminals. And it is true. After playing Halo 2 for a few short hours, I gunned down an entire orphanage, raped everyone I could find in the local mall parking lot, and then I burned goat's blood in an alter to Satan while listening to the "Bloodhound Gang" and "Rammstein". Videogames will turn you into a violent and bloody sociopath, and I'm living evidence. After a hard day of work at ActionTrip, we usually sacrifice a child to Mephistopheles.

After playing Tony Hawk: Pro Skater, I went outside and did an ollie, then a kickflip, then a 50/50 nose grind down a twenty-foot steel railing, and then I landed a perfect 900. Videogames have a dark power over you. Did you know that playing Tony Hawk: Underground 2 for just one hour will turn you into a pro skateboarder? It's true. We have scientific evidence somewhere to prove this. Furthermore, skateboarding is illegal, and this only goes to show you that videogames will turn your child into a heartless criminal. Every time you step onto your "deck", terrorists use the money from the skateboard profits to blow up more innocent civilians.

You might not realize this, but if you have played Call of Duty, you have the exact same experience of any soldier that actually fought in the war, and that we have built you into a weapon against Nazism using our cruel and insidious training device.

Recently, the United States government has decided to ban all sales of any videogame that has airplanes in it. It was discovered that a handful of the September 11th terrorists learned to fly by playing Battlefield 1942, and that their inability to land the airplanes in the game using the mouse and keyboard set up gave them the idea to crash the airplanes into the towers. The entire DICE team has been moved to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation, along with the top two-hundred players on the BF1942 ladder. Thank God they caught this evil terrorist training game when they did, otherwise who knows how many people would have been killed!

I'm very happy that Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas has been made into an Adults-only (Ao) game. My fictitious son played the game and started spouting off all sorts of shit about "free speech" and "the first amendment". I am downright shocked that these adult themes made it passed the ESRB and brainwashed my child. Two days after playing the game, he flunked out of school despite having a perfect 4.0 GPA only a day before, and then he died of a heroin overdose... THE VERY NEXT DAY! Grand Theft Auto destroyed my child's life. And my life too. I saw someone playing the game, and now I'm addicted to rap music, I kill police officers on a daily basis, and I smoke crack constantly.

Not since Timothy Leary has America faced such an awful threat to its well-being, mental health, and youth. I stand by the actions of Mr. Jack Thompson and I hope that he is able to continue his good and righteous campaign of saving our youth from this horrible disease called "video gaming".

And for you youth that don't believe me, video gaming will give you a bad complexion, hairy palms, schizophrenia, impotence, baldness, premature ejaculation, boils, a curved spine, horribly twisted claws and teeth, blindness, heart disease, cancer, herpes and death. Did you know that 100% of all videogamers will die at some point during their life? That's right. Only videogames kill 100% of all people that use them.

We recently took two orphan boys and hooked them up to our mental health machine. We let one boy play "Pong" for twenty minutes, and we gave another boy three shots of whiskey, two lines of methamphetamines, and four hits of PCP. The boy that played "Pong" set the machine off as being a sociopath, and had we not immediately put him in prison, he probably would have murdered an entire town. Meanwhile, the child that we gave all of those terrible narcotics, he slipped into a coma and died because the "Pong" machine was nearby and it physically attacked him. That's right ladies and gentlemen; arcade games will lunge off the wall and kill you, just like their criminal, evil, mad scientist creators want them to. You are better off taking mountains of illicit street drugs than you are setting foot into an arcade. And the only reason you'll take drugs is because of videogames like San Andreas that have crack houses in them. Forget about the fact that the villains are running the crack market, videogames use powerful subconscious infection rays to warp you into a base head. And all videogames do it. You're never safe. Even after playing The Sims, I had to snort coke and murder people in order to get a hard on, which is also evil because sex is wrong.

We're proud that steps are being taken to prevent this plague from flooding over our children and destroying this proud nation. Just like marijuana, communism, rock & roll and sex, videogames will destroy our country, our youth, and our planet (The average videogame developer releases trillions of gallons of toxic waste into our air and ocean every time a CD is burned.) unless we do something to stop them. Please, please, boycott videogames and join your local church group as fast as you can. If you don't, you will die.