Playboy: The Mansion Preview

I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way. - Jessica Rabbit

If you thought that sexism is purely one of the male chauvinist traits, you're wrong. Men do not make women into sex objects; women do it to themselves, which is good, basically, since some women cannot say they are overly equipped in the intellectual department, so they have to find something to attract any amount of attention whatsoever. (They're called Boobs. - Six)

This would be the famous cave...

Don't tell me that's Hef playing.

And with what you just read (even if you disregarded the word "Playboy" in the title), I have been declared a chauvinist! And I am not even a man to start with... (Nope. She's not. I have proof. - Six) Now, let me elaborate; what I just said about women, goes for men as well. In general, most people on this planet are far from intelligent, and they don't deserve any attention, for that matter. This is their own fault and I couldn't care less. This passage now earned me a few new nicknames: misanthropist. Well, at least it sounds better, and somewhat less French than chauvinist. But I digress... (Let's see - the author has been branded a misogynist, misanthropist, and a chauvinist... and its only been two paragraphs! Way to go, Branka! Welcome to ActionTrip! - Six)

Playboy: the Mansion does not carry the burden of fake morality. However, it does carry a huge amount of idiocy in its core... so huge, in fact that it threatens to become a new standard. You see, unlike an average man, who feels threatened by his peers, I see nothing wrong with naked female bodies parading around...unless they are very badly drawn (like in this game), which is kind of a crime against, um, femininity. For if the hideous creatures crawling around the Mansion on the screenshots are supposed to represent the super-sexy play-mates, many a gamer will want to go blind, or better yet, decide to poke his own eyes out with a couple of stale Pringles crying: "There is no God!"

It's possible someone even likes this game. Anything is possible. I know for sure that there are life forms with such modest requirements. Still, the rest of we Playboy fans, will be disgusted by this game. The playmates we find attractive look like caricatures in this game. Someone might find them quaint or possible even sexy... Ray Charles, for instance. Oh, and some of those creeps are actually based on Carmen Electra, Willa Ford, Melissa Joan Hart and the likes. Lucky bitches.

One interesting thing is that Playboy, for what it is, represents a mainstream magazine, whether you consider the articles or the pictures. (Mo reads it for the articles. I read it for the centerfolds. - Six) (Read it for the centerfolds?! You sick fuck! - 2Lions) This is nothing bad, but it leaves no room for extra content. This is why I find it weird that a flop of a game with "Playboy" in its title raised so much controversy and shocked reactions. Then again, most of the waste-of-space moral outrage groups are easily shocked. This game has absolutely no exciting content, unless your ultimate goal is to assume the control of Hugh Hefner's aging body. For the time being, the game does not even include nudity. (We were just informed by the developers that it WILL indeed include nudity in the "Photoshoot Mode," done in first person with far higher polygonal models. - Ed)

The game should appear on PC, PS2 and Xbox, but full frontal nudity (and censored sex), will only be available on PC, probably because someone believes that kids play only consoles, and only serious grown-ups play PCs. Right. The amount of nudity and possible explicit sex in the final version of the game is still not completely certain.

These are not 3D rendered models. We're quite sure of that.

The one on the far left looks like a psycho.

Playboy: the Mansion is something akin to a strategy and a Sims-like simulation. The campaign follows the 50 years of Hefner's career through 12 missions. Your goal will be to manage the magazine and organize parties. This is not always as easy as it seems, as each guest may have his own whims, and you should always try to maintain good relations with celebrities. You should always try to invite the hottest stars. In order to make a magazine, you have to gather articles, interviews and photos. You will have a chance to interview famous musicians (like MTV's favorite car pimp, Xzibit), or organize photo-sessions in your penthouse. The fortunate Playmate of the Month will do whatever you ask her to, and you can later choose which photos to publish. As you grow increasingly popular, more and more celebrities will want to work with you. The game takes place in realistic surroundings and depicts Hefner's path to success. The empire mode lets you devise your own development strategy or take one of the missions; for instance, organizing a Playboy Jazz Festival and reassemble a band that fell apart twenty years ago.

NDL says that Playboy: The Mansion uses the Gamebryo engine (also used in Dark Age of Camelot, The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and Freedom Force). Cyberlore integrated Gamebryo into its own Prometheus Engine wanting to improve the visuals and reduce the multi-platform development time.

Whatever the case, I would still rather read Playboy than play this game. On one hand, the human body is beautiful, and taking pictures of it in its natural state can be considered art; and on the other, milking cash out of morons who are willing to buy just about any crap if you paste a famous label to it can also be considered art. Only not as challenging, concerning the number of aforementioned morons at Hef's disposal.

One more thing. This text should have begun with Einstein's quote: "There are only two infinite things - space and human stupidity. But I'm not too sure about the first one". Still, it didn't, so I decided to put it at the end. There.