The Movies Preview

Of course, aging must also be taken into account; as the years roll by, actors and actresses gradually change in appearance. The male prostate gets smaller and they pee more often. In any case, stars and local acting talents arriving to your studio all have their own needs and requests for studios that hired them. Top stars are distinguished by tiny dollar signs floating above their heads. The developers probably thought about making little "thinking about peeing in the pool with my pants on" signs, but the artists couldn't pull it off. Fuckers! Actors with such caliber are bound to whine about the conditions they work in. A top-of-the-range actor will usually ask for a sizeable and comfy trailer. When this happens, pour some acid over his face. If he comes out all grumpy and miserable that obviously means he's not content with his current accommodation (or the fact you poured acid over his face). You can just shoot him then, as they'll keep showing archived material of him anyway. That's insurance for the networks in case they O.D. during the commercial break. Unhappy stars (be they male or female) often turn to drinking, personal training, or, even worse, therapy. Therapists are evil and they also might be Scientologists. Be sure to pour some acid over them as well. To make things a bit more difficult, those spoiled big-time actors are also particular about their wardrobe and dialogue. Preferable outfits and costumes of a movie star are easily ascertained by watching his/her reactions towards the ones they are forced to wear. And while we're on the subject of "forced to wear," sometimes, forcing a famous actor to do something; like get on all fours and lick some lady's boots; is considered polite in Hollywood. Only, they won't tell you that. Well, not in so many words. In addition to all these requests, really popular movie stars might also call for tighter security measures around the set to fend off any unwanted paparazzi. That's just their way of saying they want you to gag and horse whip them.

Filming itself is, of course, the greatest challenge. The whole process starts by choosing a genre and a decent enough script which can be coughed up by a team of writers. Aliens, scantly clad females and cute animals will usually do the trick. Also, violence is the key, and don't let the pansy human rights groups fool you! Alternatively, you can always buy a script if you're not pleased with what the writers have come up with. Throughout filming players may want to change the structure and appeal of their movies to correspond with significant events that went on during a particular decade (for example, troubling events during the World War II, the Moon-landing in 1969, etc.). A good way to save money is to ask the government which Hollywood movie set they used to film that "Moon-landing," so that you can make use of it yourself without additional expenses. After choosing the storyline, players move on to set-construction. You are free to adjust the movie setting to your preference by selecting from 40 unique and customizable set-pieces. Always remember what I told you about fashionable torture chambers with lots of latex and bright red colors. Actors like that. Almost everything is susceptible to change: textures, design, color, props, and so on. The next step towards your ultimate cinema achievement is opting for the appropriate scene (fighting, making out, etc.). Lesbian sex is like the golden formula of all movie making. If your script isn't fit for stray dogs to throw up dead rats on, just put in some lesbian action and you're golden. Different scenes may be practiced with dummies before real actors are summoned to the set. Practicing lesbian scenes with dummies is just stupid, so give it up you idiot! Once everything is propped and ready for shooting, you may position your crew, send for the cast, and start making movie magic.

Operating things during filming is quite easy and can be conducted via the intuitive interface and a variety of straightforward options. "Now stick that tongue in you whore" button will be a must I hope. At any given time, you'll be able to choose a scene, change the camera angle, or adjust the tone of violence. For example, if the two lesbians start beating on the cute puppy, just make sure that the puppy is putting up some resistance. Having that little twerp just squeal on the set will get PETA on your ass, and you don't want that. The degree of violence and adult material is attuned by a handy slider at the bottom of the screen. I'm hoping it will be shaped like a cock, but the furry Lionhead bastards don't have the balls to do it. After you've filmed all the scenes, you step into the next phase - post production. That's just a fancy term for having more time to figure out how you can pee in the pool with your pants on. "Post production." Here, players are able to modify the movie audio by adding subtitles or recording their own tracks. Well, actually, that's what the other previews say. I say, SCREW YOU!

As we all know, there are millions of cinemagoers out there and their opinions are very valuable. Wait... HAHAHAHAHAHA! JEEZ THAT WAS FUNNY!

The first week after the movie's opening, ticket sales will determine whether you did a good job or not. Whatever you do, do not attempt to pour acid over each individual that disliked your movie. Eventually, there will be too many of them. Be reasonable and select a few that you hate the most. Spending a lot of time on the script while hiring unknown talents to act it out certainly won't ensure a positive feedback at the beginning. Gradually though, it may start generating some income as soon as people realize your movie doesn't suck. Well, not as well as your lead actress anyway. In contrast, if you have a crappy story on your hands, you might boost ticket sales with luxurious sets, expensive scenery, and by bringing in some star power. Can you say Michael Jackson? YAAAY!

Both Lionhead and Activision are quiet as to additional features, so I'm afraid that's all the info we have for you at the moment, folks. I didn't mean anything I said in this preview. Hollywood is my dream and I'm just jealous of their success and I suffer from penis envy. I'm going bald and I feel less desirable. I want to change my sex and sleep with a 70-year old retired accountant. I love you! Will you ever miss me?! Call me!!!

At this stage, the game appears to offer a cool and alluring variation of classic Sim-style gameplay, mixed with a few subtle management elements. There, I'm attempting to sound normal. The Movies is in development for GameCube, PS2, Xbox, and PC, and is expected to hit stores sometime during October 2004.