The Movies Preview

Quiet! Quiet on the set, QUIET, QUIEEET! Roll camera! *Beep* And ... action!

(Oh Frank, you're so huge, and I want to be the HEAD nurse SOO bad! Sure, Susana, let me just whip it out on the operating table. You're loving the contrast against the white sheets, aren't you, Susana? YOU NASTY MEXICAN INTERN! Si! Oops my shirt came undone, doctor! I've been a bad, bad Catholic girl. I'm so angry now I want to tear my white stockings off! Careful with those scissors, Susana! That's right, we need to foam it and shave it first. My, you have such flexible Mexican breasts, you cute little burrito snack! You can stop clutching the shaving gel tube now. God, that uniform looks good on you, Dr. Frank! It's time to operate, Susie. Spread wide. *cue funk music*)

What?! That's my movie, you assholes! You're lucky I didn't tell you about the one with teenage sluts and animals. Shut up! SHUT UP!!

As more and more video games make their way to the silver screen, Lionhead Studios and Activision unite to bring the splendor of movie magic onto the PC and next-generation consoles - cocaine-littered private parties, bizarre sexual rituals, greedy producers, high cholesterol levels and all, baby! The prominent team of game designers at Lionhead Studios was always recognized for shelling out imaginative concepts throughout the years. I'm not sure if they shelled out anything else, but I'd sure like to shell that Mexican chick that starred in my movie ... when I was making it in my head.

The idea of The Movies is to engross players in the intricacies and intense challenges of movie-making - it's all about managing your own Hollywood motion picture studio and running a tightly scheduled film set ... as well as other things snuggly fitted into tight, warm and wet holes. YAAAY for Hollywood! But, there's more to it than that! Oh yes there is. My God there's more to it than that, you dirty, busty Mexican intern!

The Movies spans across a rather lengthy timeline - from 1900 to 2010, believe it or not. Personally, I can't believe Dr. Frank can have such a huge operating tool. Is his size even legal? I'm sure they'd make it illegal in Japan. Governing a motion picture studio in, say the 20's, was child's play in comparison to the tricky and involving business it evolved into today. And by tricky and involving, I mean sleazy, rotten and dishonest. The only way they could possibly make it any sleazier is by giving that freak Big Mac accident, Britney Spears, a fucking Oscar! (She never writes back, ever!) After that, a bona fide actor could get up on that podium and strangle a small kitten, and the whole thing would still be far less bizarre! That's why the first couple of decades of your film-making livelihood practically serve as an ideal tutorial before real challenges start coming along - like trying to piss in the pool with your pants on. The beginning is never easy, especially if one is forced to deal with everyday responsibilities and errands that are part of the movie business. Oral sex often helps though. That's a great insider's tip. Starting off as the head of a small studio you'll have to work your way from scratch with a relatively tight budget. There I just said 'head', 'small,' 'scratch' and 'tight' in a single sentence. Also, there will be a few restrictions in terms of which movies can be filmed and which can't. For example, even though I'd love to make a cooking show where a famous actress would cook a donkey penis for four hours, I'm not allowed to. I'm telling you though, if, say, Paris Hilton agreed to do it, the profits would be gastronomical ... err, astronomical. Other obligations, besides financial duties, are related to picking out talents for the studio, constructing film sets, and, best of all, making and directing the movie first-hand. As soon as your first project is set in motion, you'll realize there's more to movie-making than people are normally led to believe. More than oral sex and drugs even.

The game involves a variety of tasks throughout your filming career, most of which will have to be dealt with on the spot. You're a big guy, and if that's what it takes, then by God, you're gonna get on your knees and do it! To ease the gameplay for inexperienced players, the developers threw in a freeform sandbox mode where you don't have to tend to onerous economic matters that usually strain studio execs and producers. You know, those are the very same people whose biggest problem nowadays boils down to figuring out how to pee in the pool without dropping their pants, or alerting Tommy Lee's alligators. At any rate, there's a variety of solutions for handling studio finances - like say doing the ole' Enron routine and then forcing your female employees to take their clothes off for Playboy, while you continue to ponder over the best way to pee in the pool without taking your pants off. At one point a mobster will make you an offer you won't be able to refuse. You'll be forced to cast his untalented daughter in one of your movies. In exchange he'll see to it you won't have to pay taxes for the next couple of years. My advice is to be careful here. No matter how well you train the chimps, they still might start acting wild around nude women. Although this allows for a nice financial breather, it will damage your reputation as a movie producer. An advisor is constantly available during the entire game, even if you wish to perform every single action yourself. Well, if the push comes to shove, take your clothes off and do a few scenes with the chimps. Keep those horny monkey fuckers at bay and you'll be golden!

As we mentioned in our earlier coverage, the game doesn't use any licensed big-time Hollywood names. That's probably because they're all dead, and everything we see on the big screen or the TV is, in fact, archived material from the nineties. I'm sure 90% of them had O.D.-ed already, or were eaten by Tommy Lee's alligators. Fucking rich actors make me sick! Instead players are allowed to modify the physical characteristics of young and upcoming starts, and give them any name they like. The developers revealed that there are over 50 different types of head skins for each gender which should allow for a pretty decent variation when it comes to cast appearance. Mouth size is very important here; also, pay close attention to the fullness of the lips, as you'll really hate to have to endure any of that teeth action. Angelina Jolie, baby! You're like my dream!