Blair Witch Volume 3: The Elly Kedward Tale Review

Goody! I've played another Blair Witch game (outburst of spontaneous sarcasm). Is this like the final chapter in the series? Phew... sheesh, thank God! I thank God, the spirit planes, demon planes, that poor woman Elly Kedward, and all those little midgets that they put in Blair Witch 3 to act as little children...

What? You don't believe me: check this out! Doesn't he look like a little midget? I tell ya, I'm just glad this is the third and final installment in these series, 'cause if there ever was an unimaginative, and downright mediocre movie to PC licensing hooey, than it would have to be the Blair Witch games.

The year is 1785. Elly Kedward, the so-called - and this is rather important Blair Witch, was just banished to the dark woods surrounding the small town of Blair, Maryland. Following her exile, several local children begin to disappear, raising the residents' suspicions and fears that the abductions are directly linked to her.

You take on the role of Jonathan Pyre, an ex-priest turned witch-hunter, who travels to the town of Blair to track down the diabolical witch after hearing rumors of mayhem.

And now I'm supposed to write: Nocturne engine this, Nocturne engine that, but it's pointless to talk about the visuals, the story, and... well it's just pointless to talk about another Blair Witch game, since they are all built around the same technology and bound by the same license. How can I write a decent review on this game when I would have to repeat everything I said about the previous two games? I don't even know how to start this sucker, so this review is in serious danger of becoming just a pointless rant without any concept or thread for the reader to follow...

Oh wait, I got it! I'll talk about the subtle differences introduced by the Ritual dev. team, and than I'll delicately swing to the issue of witches and our fascination with women who dress up funny and throw little pebbles and chicken bones on the ground, while mumbling strange stuff like: HOOOAAA, HAKHEE, HAKHEE, CROOANDOO, HANNAH! Ahhh... I've said the magic words! Look at that! Our editor Dex is turning into...Naomi Campbell?? Hell yes, Dex!! No offense man; can I touch you all over?

Er, scratch this, I was daydreaming again... Where was I? Ah yes, the subtle differences...

I guess all the developers involved in the making of this PC series tried to leave a mark - an authentic addition that would differentiate their Blair Witch project from the other two. Being that Ritaul are the same guys that brought us that cartoonish FPS, SiN, and that bad, bad...naughty, naughty female villain (Alexis was it?) I wasn't really surprised to see that they've taken the cartoonish approach (rhymes with cockroach) in designing Blair Witch Vol. 3: The Elly Kedward Tale. Now that's fine an' all if you're designing an offbeat shooter, but I never did get the idea of introducing a cartoonish design into a horror story, which is supposed to be scarier than Al Gore's hairdo. Although I have my doubts if that is indeed possible. The whole design concept is out of place...or maybe it's just that you'd expect to see sinister things while playing Blair Witch and not these brain-dead enemies and midget-like children with a cartoon twist. Hey, about those children: you know how to differentiate a good painter from an idiot? Ask him to draw a child. If it turns out looking like the Blair Witch midget, you know that the guy churned out some serious cash to get his diploma, and that human models on his paintings look more like the damn Twana stick figures than humans...