Breed Review

tubby: Breed is the sequel to SimPizza?
Uros: no, breed is this game where flies nest their little eggs in your skin; basically they screw with your skin
tubby: Ohhh. Incredible Creatures. cool
Uros: no, breed is supposed to be like halo
Uros: without the flies
Uros: vehicles, sci-fi settings, that kind of stuff
Uros: playing breed is better than breeding with dogs
Uros: but that's as far as it goes
Uros: now let me breed
tubby: Hey I am NOT going to stop you from breeding
Uros: you better not
Uros: because I like to breed
Uros: breeding is like gaming, only you don't use a mouse
tubby: that game had better get a 97 at least
tubby: I use a mouse when I breed
Uros: that's a scary mental image
Uros: I'll take your word for it
tubby: HEY DON'T JUDGE ME!
Uros: SCREW YOU!!!
Uros: no, wait
Uros: I'm not being judgmental
Uros: do you use a corded mouse?
tubby: And you probably don't like Martha Stewart as well!
Uros: cause I could see the use for that
tubby: No, wireless of course
Uros: now you got me confused
Uros: oh well, cords are OK for breeding
Uros: but wireless optics
Uros: that's new
Uros: I mean I knew this girl that wouldn't breed with me unless I tied her up with a corded mouse
tubby: WHOA!
tubby: Someone is going to jail
tubby: there you can breed all you like
Uros: thank you
Uros: NOW LET ME BREED!
tubby: go.
tubby: breed
tubby: spread thy seed
Uros: indeed!
Uros: like a horny steed
tubby: with speed!
tubby: then drink some mead
Uros: and pay no heed to the weed?
tubby: only while you feed
Uros: late general Aidid?
tubby: oh damn. I just peed
Uros: you were in great need!
tubby: indeed
Uros: wrap it up in tweed
Uros: or it'll start to bleed

...

Uros: the AI in breed is brain dead
Uros: it's funny though
Uros: in one mission you're required to keep your engineer alive
Uros: but he falls off a cliff every time and dies
Uros: cause the path finding is awful
tubby: FUN!!!
Uros: how cool is that?
tubby: IT'S FUN!!
tubby: Sheesh
Uros: yeah, and get this
Uros: you can also fall off that cliff
Uros: fall in the water
Uros: and live, but you cannot swim
tubby: well it's all those tools the engineer carries
Uros: so you end up walking on the river bed till you die
Uros: but you can walk down there!
Uros: till you die!
Uros: how cool is that?!
Uros: and then...
Uros: the tank I was driving got shot up real bad
Uros: so I exited out
Uros: but....
Uros: in order to proceed you have to be in the tank
tubby: lol
Uros: and when you get back in it, it simply explodes!
tubby: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Uros: talk about a no win situation
Uros: the game is full of these funny moments!
Uros: check this out
Uros: this is the first sentence from the game
Uros: and I warn you
Uros: this is not a spoof; or at least I think it's not
Uros: "like a father, I stand here before you, the children I was incapable of having!"
tubby: that's priceless!!

You can usually get a clear picture about how good (or bad) a game is just by overhearing two geeks talk about it. So there you have it. This is an actual chat transcript between myself and our U.S. Editor Vince aka Moesha. OK, so I was being a little too hard on this game, but I wasn't that far off the mark either.