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FIFA 07 Review

GAME INFO
publisher: EA Sports
developer: EA Canada
genre: Sports

MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS
PIV 1300, 256MB RAM, 1.2GB HDD, 64MB video card
ESRB rating: E
homepage:
www.fifa07.ea.com/

release date: Oct 03, 06
» All About FIFA 07 on ActionTrip


Football is a strange game. Men run around a field of green grass (in tight short shorts), chasing after a round object with the sole purpose of shoving it through an iron frame covered with something resembling a fishing net. At the same time, other strange men with the type of physique that's exactly opposite to that of the men on the pitch are stuffing their faces with vast amounts of calories and putting their nervous system under tremendous stress. They utterly hate the group of men on the pitch wearing the blue jerseys, while being prepared to trade their somewhat worthless existence for the group of men wearing the red and white jerseys.

Now, an entirely different group of men that looks down upon the direct participants in this weird spectacle are accumulating enormous wealth on the account of those who are investing every bit of their emotional fiber into a 90 minute hectic chase around the field of grass known as 'the match.'

The entirely different group of men in question comes in many shapes and sizes. The important thing to know is that their web is so widespread and intricate; it is hard to fully realize who the hell is making money off the men running on the pitch and those cheering for them anymore.

What I know for certain, however (and this is a matter of thorough research), is that a certain number of these men (the ones raking in all the money without giving a tinker's damn about the actual game) work at Electronic Arts. They are hardly at the forefront of this money making game within the game, but they are certainly a part of it.

This brings us to the latest in the long line of FIFA games, FIFA 07 for the current-gen systems. You see, yet another group of men who hail from Redmond has struck a deal with the people from Electronic Arts, urging them to make the current-gen version of the game somewhat lousier than the next-gen version, which will be available exclusively on the Xbox 360.

This is where another group of men, the Chinese workers, come into play. The small people in dirty Asian factories producing millions of these Xbox 360 units are also somehow connected to football.

The plot thickens as Nike sweatshops come to mind, and the conspiracy theories become just mind-boggling. They boggle the mind.

A fat kid in Barcelona, Spain will buy the sneakers in hopes of making his feet look like the feet of his favorite Barcelona star. He will then be jumped by a bunch of immigrants who, after beating him senseless, will sell the sneakers for money to buy dope. So a Spanish drug dealer can have the fancy sneakers as the fat kid is lying in some emergency room somewhere and his family is getting a hefty bill from the private clinic.

The head of the clinic is a scrawny little man that absolutely hates athletically built men, and when I say 'hate,' I mean, he resents the fact he would probably give them head.

This in turn suggests that half of the ministers in at least 12 European countries are in on the whole thing as well, if only for the fact they like men as well.

Being separated by the Atlantic Ocean from the cradle of football, the old continent, the Americans have stayed largely immune to the football fever. These vile savages who are inept at the greatest of great games mock us by calling another (different (and better -Mo)) game football. Clearly, this is a parody of the *real* football, as their football is nothing more than a bunch of genetically enhanced humanoids wearing helmets and pushing each other over a defective ball that can't even roll on the ground right. Being as sad and pathetic as they are, they keep trying to score a goal through what seem to be some sort of wooden gates. They call this a 'punt'. Granted, they are too underdeveloped and savage to know how to string a fishing net in between the two poles, clearly showing their utter lack of intelligence and fishing skill (Suck it, Uros -Mo).

Finally, rumor has it that in the south of this American continent, there is this cluster of countries called South America. They are supposedly good at football. Clearly, this is horseshit made up by the French, because they are terrible liars (Uros, France is on the phone. Following that last comment they felt it was an unprovoked attack on them and they wish to surrender to you. Please pick up line 4 -Mo). South America is only good at producing plants, which are sought after by many for their medicinal properties, and at creating states that the rest of the world inevitably associates with fruit.

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HIGHS
Improved ball physics and physics in general make it seem more like a simulation, shadows, cinematic effects, even more manager options;

LOWS
Way too one-dimensional gameplay-wise, AI quirks, weird finishing by star players, performance issues in replay/close-up mode.

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