Juiced Review

It's amazing how many things can actually be blamed on one's family. My relatives are perfect specimens of every physical and mental defect known to man, so the reason I'm into stabbing people with swords, hitting them with blunt objects and occasionally running them over with my car can easily be ascribed to the long line of madness that runs in my family. (Save the insanity defense for the trial. -Mo)

You know, brakes are there for a reason.

I've always enjoyed some friendly competition. Die, you bitch!

Take my uncle for example. The fellow lives in the mountain country where there is snow for most of the year. That wouldn't be that big of a deal if my uncle wasn't a reckless driver - and calling him reckless may be the understatement of the year. He is, by far, the worst driver I have ever come across (as a point of reference I include myself as one of the biggest lunatics that have ever managed to obtain a driver's license). Being anywhere near the road whenever my uncle is behind the wheel is, in my mind, a suicide attempt.

Anyway, one day my uncle was driving his car through the beautiful winter landscape, when he suddenly heard a loud thump on the side of the car. He stopped the car, as he wasn't sure if he only imagined the soft sobbing coming from the side of the road. He waited some more, and listened as the sobs progressed from soft to rather loud and annoying. He then left the car, and decided he had just hit someone - or, in his words, that "someone had managed to bang against his car." Further confirmation came in the form of a well-sized man's shoe on his hood, so he set off in search for the bloody fool that was "careless" enough to hit his car and interrupt his pleasant drive. The snow had fallen a lot that night, and at that point, it was about knee-high, so as soon as he left the main road he got stuck in the snow and had a lot of trouble in making his way through. The noises were coming from down below the road, and finally he made it to the edge of the cliff and looked down. There was a freezing, sobbing man scared to death clinging to a pole sticking out of snow, and my uncle ingeniously identified him as the victim - pardon me, the "attacker of his car."

"Hey down there!" he shouted. "Are you hurt?"

The man shook his head in negative response.

"Oh. Well then, are you feeling well?"

The man affirmatively muttered he was feeling quite fine, thank you very much.

"Good. Then would you please mind coming over here, I need someone to help me pull my car out of the snow."

And the man complied, so my uncle helped him climb off the pole, returned the lost shoe to him, and then instructed him to push his car while he attempted to steer it. Afterwards they happily drove off together, with the poor fellow making mental notes not to leave his house as long as he knew my uncle was free and loose. I believe that to this day there are still over two-dozen skeletons in remote cabins that starved to death during that winter rather than venturing outside and risking the chance of being hit by my uncle.

I intentionally made the educational story about my uncle this long as I gathered it made much more sense than Juice Games' latest racer, Juiced. Not that there's anything particularly wrong with this game, but then again, there's nothing particularly wrong with most games on the market nowadays, apart from their being utterly, impossibly boring and mediocre in all possible aspects. And so it goes with Juiced.

The main mode in Juiced is Career Mode, which allows you to participate in different types of racing events you can pick from your calendar in pursuit of fame and fortune - provided you first demonstrate some driving skills, of course. Earning money allows you to upgrade and fine-tune your car and/or invest in faster, better and meaner machines, while gaining respect results in other drivers wishing to join your team. The premise is simple: It starts with choosing your team, logo, and cell phone, and after you've completed the first challenge and beaten another driver in a race, you are allowed access to the dealer and the calendar, which is where the "real fun" begins. At first, you are allowed a choice between a Peugeot 206 GTI, a Volkswagen Beetle GLS 1.8T, and a Honda CR-X. I chose the latter, unaware of the agony I was about to experience. Now, more cars may be unlocked with time, and different tuning options may be applied to any car, both mechanical and visual. The options are, however, very limited and this segment of the game cannot be viewed as satisfactory, unless you consider adding a powerful audio system and some neon lights to the undercarriage of your car a dramatic, highly impressive feature.

One of the main troubles with this game is the fact it offers a system which may sound very logical in theory, but in practice, tends to get very messy. Being a console port, Juiced follows the ugly pattern of bad controls and uninspiring arcade races, which make it very difficult to win or achieve any noticeable results, especially with the fact the races get more difficult with time. If you are not particularly successful at races, either failing to finish first, win bets with other drivers or achieve other possible ways to obtain money and respect, very soon you find yourself completely broke and desperate, unable to take up any more racing events. The races you'll be allowed to participate in will become less and less frequent, and you'll find it more difficult to keep up with the competition.

The game offers to give you advice on what to do next, but you won't really need any. In case you have enough money and respect, you'll be able to choose your races, and in case everything's gone downhill, the only advice you'll be able to follow will be to quit the damn game already and spend your free time doing something more useful than playing video games.

You'll also be spending a lot of money on car repairs (cars take damage in the race), and if you keep losing cash you'll be left out of the loop. While some events are free, some require a certain fee and you'll soon be missing (many) days in your calendar, desperately searching for an event to participate in. Now, free repairs are available if you're left with no money, but you won't be very motivated to continue with the game anyway after you've seen all it has to offer. Although it does offer some interesting events, like the opportunity to bet against and/or on other drivers, attend races you cannot participate in, as well as to send your team member to a race or enjoy a team event where you can set a strategy (e.g. an aggression level your team members ought to follow during the race).