Stolen Review

People usually wonder why I insist on killing people that much. The reason for this is very simple and logical. Let me put it this way: the nature of my job requires me to be funny. My co-workers and friends want me to be funny. My acquaintances and neighbors want me to be funny, even if their dog has just crapped on my doormat. (That's funny. -Ed) My husband wants me to be funny, and my cat; she also wants me to be funny. And the really funny part is I'm not a good-humored person to start with. I laugh at things that make people gnaw at their wrists in fear, and I flinch at things that usually make people happy, like small children which smear their own puke over my cushions, or those dreadful plushies imitating Star Track personnel (all fandoms are applicable), that make me shiver even from looking at them. And when, after all this, I am told to be funny, that can *really* become unnerving. But I control my bottled-up anger perfectly, and have limited myself to killing people in video games only. (Sissy! -Ed)

You're damn right I'm gonna steal all that. I'll just have to give head first.

He's so fast asleep he won't even notice the BJ.

Sounds idyllic. But it's not. Not when you're supposed to play a sexy female Russian thief with a seductive voice and some amazing athletic abilities. Now, being a sexy thief with some useful hi-tech gadgets is one thing, and having awkward moral scruples against killing people is quite the other, especially when they are trying to kill *you* in the first place. Okay, you are maybe trying to break into a well-guarded museum and snatch a few trinkets for yourself, including a Japanese katana sword worth several thousand dollars, but that's hardly a good enough reason for guards to try to shoot you. It's not as if they owned the bloody katana, goddamn them all. And you wouldn't believe how hard it is to run when you're shot in the leg. It's just fucking painful. Well, shooting me in the leg while I'm trying to jump over a wall and infiltrate into a museum gives me enough reason to kill the asshole that shot me, but Anya (our heroine) does not share my beliefs. She likes to keep it clean, which means she can temporarily stun the guards, or knock them out in hand to hand combat or even sneak up behind them and choke them in order to render them useless for a brief period of time. But killing is not an option, not even when you know the fucker's going to raise hell in order to catch your skinny little ass.

But then again, maybe I've no right to complain, when Anya gives her best to do her job without inducing any necessary violence. If she only moved and performed her acrobatics with more confidence, this would be even better. And if those guards could stay unconscious for a slightly longer period of time, thank you very much, maybe she'd be able to do the lock picking without the frantic need to turn around every once in a while and check the guard's status. And if the guards, when they've finally come around from their short, but pleasant slumber, decided to act as if they've actually had some brains, I would appreciate it even more. You see, I don't know if it's due to the hit they've just received, but guards, upon discovering a bump on their head, start behaving a little crazy. They're not the sharpest pencils in the box anyway, but under stress, they act in an indisputably stupid manner. I told you it was easier just to crack their skull and not bother anymore.

At this point, I guess it's quite obvious to you what the game is like. Stolen is a third-person stealth action game, which takes place in an imaginary place called the Forge City, a place of crime and corruption. It must be difficult for a girl to make her living in a place like that, so it's no wonder Anya turns to crime herself. As I've already said, she is a well-equipped thief on a mission to plunder the museum and steal several valuable artifacts, among which is a valuable rare gem. The heroine Anya also has a radio connection with her friend and associate Louie, who guides her through the museum and helps her with the pieces of info about certain stages in the game, or specific doors and alarm systems. Anya is able to communicate to Louie thanks to the most important piece of equipment she's got - her armpad. The armpad, the central interface for her gadgets, is a very useful device that helps Anya recover valuable information and transfer them to her display. This device communicates directly with computers, discovers the position of tumblers in locks, and even has a silenced projectile weapon, which is very useful when it comes to stunning the guards or causing electrical disturbance. Anya's multifunctional weapon takes different charges, so practically anything can be fired from it, from trackers, grand trackers, and nullifiers, to sonic visors, and sonic emitters. Trackers are devices that guards can be shot with, correspondingly helping Anya to keep track of otherwise invisible guards and locate them on the map. The grand tracker similarly keeps track of all monitoring devices in one room. Anya's equipment also includes nullifiers, which have the ability of temporarily stunning the guards and (also temporarily) disabling monitoring devices, as well as permanently shooting the lights off. Sonic visors are used near doors for the purpose of translating sound into wire frame visuals. In other words, these can help Anya discover the presence of guards in another room. Finally, sonic emitters serve for distracting guards and sending them to another direction by emitting sound. (If she wants to draw attention to herself, she can also try whistling.) There are also tripwires that serve as traps for guards who happen to trigger them, knocking them out.

All these items can be found scattered throughout the levels, together with health packs that restore your health bar to the full. You just need to explore your surroundings. You may stumble on many valuable items, which are only waiting for you to steal them. The problem with these useful hi-tech gadgets is that you probably won't need them most of the time, as walking flat against the walls, knocking guards unconscious, or taking the lights out will solve most of your problems and satisfy your need to stay invisible. However, if there is no way of your staying unnoticed, you can always run across the room and enter another zone, then find a secure spot and wait until the rumpus goes down. This is not very encouraging for your career of a thief, so you'll get bored of this pattern after some time and completely lose what little feel you got left of being a super-sexy, stealthy thief.

While the most important thing is to fulfill your primary, as well as secondary objectives and side-missions, you should never pass up on the chance to gain more loot if one should arise along the way. And yes, this means more guards and locked doors. This presents an opportunity to introduce mini-games such as lock picking, hacking, steel cutting, and safe cracking. I will not go into details, but I'll only mention the first two are introduced early in the game and require a certain amount of patience. The process of lock picking, or computer hacking isn't very complicated - the main problem with it is that it takes some time, and the opportunity to engage yourself in a bit of lock picking without the irritating presence of guards won't show very often. Matching patterns or lock shapes prove to be difficult if an unconscious guard is lying next to you, and you know he is about to come around any moment soon.

Now, as I've already mentioned, the guards do not seem to lie unconscious for a particularly long period of time. On the other hand, when they are awake they are rather useless. For example, a guard came around while I was hiding behind the desk in a desperate effort to search its contents. He alarmed his colleagues all right, and they searched the room (twice!) and did not find me, due to the fact I was hiding in the shadows. Never mind they had flashlights and one of them nearly stepped on my fingers. The same thing happened on many other occasions, so I soon concluded the monitoring and security devices were far more trouble than the guards. It is true they raise alarm very often, but most of the time all you need to do is stay in the dark long enough, taking care not to move at all.