The Sims 2 Review

We're about to spiral down into the freaky realm of alien-on-girl sex.

What game is this again? Railorad Tycoon 3 you say?

Steve: As I said, the concept of social interaction between the Sims has been improved. You can take your family to public places and there you can mingle with the other Sims.

John: Neat. Can they slap each other around?

Steve: Yes. But why?

John: I don't know; I like to see women slap each other around. Is that so strange?

Steve: Of course not.

Furthermore, you can use either one of three prepared neighborhoods with an interesting background. Like Strangetown with lots of gay couples, alien babies and things that are in between the two. Each of these three prepared scenarios will offer a basic plot outline. However, it's up to you to choose how you want the game to develop from there. What I liked about these scenarios is that you can jump in and out of families so to speak to direct the events in the entire neighborhood.

And speaking of directed events, you now have access to a story creation tool. You can create your own stories and even record footage in game that you can later edit to make your own Sims movies. That's so awesome!

John: But I'm not at all creative! That's why I like The Sims so much!

Steve: Tough luck, man. I guess there are plenty of chicks out there who like playing with Barbie dolls. And animated Barbie dolls with AI are ten times better!

Speaking of playing with dolls, the new Sims game has the most detailed character creation system I've ever seen in a video game. Seriously.

John: But you've only ever played The Sims.

Steve: Never mind that, this thing is amazing! You can change all the facial features to make the character into your own image!

John: Fat, bloated and bald?

Steve: Yes!

John: Awesome!

Steve: You can also specify their character traits and their wants and fears. Wants and Fears are a major thing in The Sims 2. Every Simsonian has its Wants and Fears; the more wants they accomplish, the better they'll feel about their life. Pay attention, this is even more important than taking them to the bathroom.

John: Holy shit! That's like major then!

Steve: Yeah.

And by the way, I read in the IGN review that you don't have to micro-manage your Sims as much, but I'd have to disagree with that. I still had to help them get to the toilet when they had to go.

John: That's so awesome! You know how we like to watch our Sims pee!

Steve: Shhh... you never know who might be reading this.

Finally, and this is probably the greatest conceptual improvement over the original and all of the expansions that we hold so dear to our heart: your Sims can now grow old and if they have a baby, the baby will inherit character traits from Mom and Dad! How awesome is that?!

John: That's so great! Maybe I can kill the little Satanist and just raise my Sims family instead!

Steve: Yeah, that would be awesome!

(Enter John's kid.)

Teenager: Dad, I played The Sims 2 yesterday.

John: Oh good! That's great, kiddo! Maybe we can play together.

Teenager: Look, dad, for the last time - I don't care about The Sims.

John: But didn't you hear what Steve said? The game is like a dream come true for every Sims fan! It's like a bigger, more elaborate sandbox! You have so many added options! It's so much more engaging and immersive! You can truly raise your virtual family now!

Teenager: But dad, you have a family already. I'm your family!

John: No son, your mom just came home one day from Africa and told me she was pregnant.

Teenager: You mean to tell me I'm not your kid?!

John: You're nobody's kid, son. She was impregnated by the devil and that is why you like games like Call of Duty: United Offensive and Fallout. You are an offspring of the demon seed.

Teenager: Whatever dad. I think you were just stoned when you had sex with mom. She told me you two had wild, unprotected sex in the park at a Duran Duran concert. Maybe you thought it was a jungle.

John: I'm telling you, you little brat. The Sims 2 is every Sims fan's dream come true! It's got so many more neat things for us to toy with. It's just a better toy! The ultimate life simulator!

Teenager: Dad, for starters, I don't want a real life simulator. When I play games, I want to be taken away to a fantasy world where I can be Riddick or a Mandalorian or Gordon Freeman (HINT, FUCKING HINT, VALVE! GET THE LEAD OUT! - Six). Being YOU in a video game is just no fun! Secondly, when you get past all the technical innovations and the added features, this is still very much your regular Sims game. None of the new features are revolutionary enough to advance the genre in any way. So the bottom line is that those who enjoyed other Sims games will enjoy this one, and those who were initially intrigued by the concept (like myself) but got bored with it after the third of fourth expansion, will see no special thrill in raising a virtual family even if it means they'll grow old and die.

Steve: John, I think we should just kill your kid now. We can make another one like him in the game and raise him instead. We'll be a gay couple!

Teenager: Dad, are you going to let him talk about me like that? Dad? Why do you have a can of unleaded gasoline? Eww! Don't throw that - Dad! STOP! DAD?! DAAAD!!!