WWE Raw Review

DISCLAIMER: The opinions of SixShooter's alter-ego are in no way representative of SixShooter's opinions about this game. Action Trip.com cannot be held accountable for SixShooter's alter-ego, nor can he (SixShooter) be held accountable for his actions on May 4, 2001. She was most definitely over 18, and he did not notice the fur, or the cute little tail. Hence, there is no reason to assume that he had known she wasn't his long-lost high-school love, especially since it was very dark and he (SixShooter - not his high-school love) was a wee-bit drunk.

I have a confession to make. I am a closet wrestling fan. So when THQ released the PC version of WWF Raw, I jumped all over this one like a televangelist leaps at loose change.

Wow. Its times like these that I get to combine my two favorite hobbies together - gaming and wrestling - especially that now I can play my favorite wrestler of all time on my very own PC. That's right - Mr. Slim Jim himself, Randy "Macho Man" Savage......Oooooooooh Yeah!

I am a God, kneel down and worship me!

This is what happens when you forget to put on your sun-tan oil.

(Uhm...Six?)

Yeah?

(I hate to be the one to break this to you, but Randy Savage isn't in WWE Raw. As a matter of fact, he hasn't been with the WWE for a loooong time.)

So? This isn't WWE Raw, its WWF Raw. Cuz it's the World Wrestling Federation, right?

(Not exactly. Y'see, its World Wrestling Entertainment now. WWE. No more F.)

Well that sucks. So how 'bout that Macho Man?

(No Macho Man.)

No? Damn! But he's my favorite! The Bionic Elbow and everything! Miss Elizabeth! If I can't play him, this game loses points right away. Oh well. Okay, if not him, then I can play my SECOND favorite wrestler, Jim "The Ultimate Warrior" Hellwig. SPEAK TO ME WARRRRRRIORRRRSSS! ARRGHGH!

(Uhm...Six?)

What NOW?

(He's not in this one either. He's not even associated with WWE anymore. Hell - he's not even Jim Hellwig anymore.)

What the hell are you talking about?

(He changed his name. He's Warrior now. It's all rather convoluted. But he's still not in this game.)

Well, that's two down. Andre the Giant?

(Dead.)

Davey Boy Smith?

(Dead.)

Owen Hart?

(Geez, Six! What rock have you been living under? He's dead too!)

Alrigthy, then push, push, c'mon I can see the head coming out.

Santa's had it with you! You've been a bad boy all year long!

Hulk Hogan isn't dead though! I just saw him in a TV commercial! HA!

(No, he's very much alive. But he's not in this game either.)

God DAMN! Who IS in this game, anyway?

(Well, there are a total of 35 wrestlers that are a part of the game. Of course, since the game is a bit dated, the roster is a bit dated with supposed "superstars" who are neither super, nor stars. People like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin [Not in the WWE anymore], HHH, The Undertaker, Kane, Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, The Rock and Edge are a few that round out the roster of wrestlers that are still active today.)

Did you say the Rock? Wow! I can play as the Scorpion King!

(No, you IDIOT! Just the Rock!)

But I hate 90% of these wrestlers. Hell, I don't even know who half of them are!

(Then make your own, you ninny.)

I can do that?

(Sure. There's an entire Create a Wrestler section. Everything is customizable - you can choose your wrestler's tights, tattoos, shirt, pants, hair, face, skin color, moveset - everything. You can even outfit him with additional extras that can fall off during the course of a match, like hats, glasses, etc.)

Well, that's cool I guess.

(Yeah - it's half the fun of the game. Making a wrestler that looks as close to what you look like as humanly possible.)

Okay, so I made a wrester. He looks like me...sort of. He's a bit beefier and not as many zits, but its close enough. So what now?

(Time to have a match then.)

Ugh...these controls are AWFUL. I have no idea what it is that I'm doing.

(Yeah - remember, this is a console port, and it doesn't translate well to the keyboard. You can remap the keys, but it really makes no difference.)

At least the graphics are nice. Sounds too. I just got beaten with a stop sign!

(Yeah, there's lots of plunder to be had - especially in the hardcore matches. But the annoying camera cutaways in match that are supposed to show you close ups of the awesome moves usually end up being hidden behind one of the signs in the crowd.)

Geez! What the hell kind of move was that?

(If you don't know, I can't tell you - there's no announcer here. The game features none of the dulcet tones of JR Ross, Jerry "The King" Lawler, or Michael Cole.)

Okay, so I just got my ass kicked by Funaki. I feel sufficiently humbled.

(Get used to it. This game ain't easy.)

Y'know what? I don't think I will. I'm gonna go back to my blissful ignorance and watch my tapes of Wrestlemania 5 again. To hell with this crap.