Project Gotham Racing Review

DISCLAIMER: ActionTrip.com cannot be held responsible for the views and opinions expressed in this article. Also, we cannot vouch for the reviewer's sanity and reason. Therefore, we apologize if anyone has slightly misinterpreted our point here, we got into this thing with the best intentions.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Beep, beep!

Just for the record, I don't like 'Flashdance' music. This review was born five to ten minutes ago while I was sitting in McDonald's on my lunch break and trying to separate the lettuce from what seemed to be some sort of chicken meat. While I was busy separating meat from lettuce, I heard the harsh and irritating tones of some sort of Flashdance music techno remix, which by the way, sounded atrocious. Right there and then, I decided it was time to end this charade we call conventional game reviewing and offer something spectacular to our review-hungry readers. A literary masterpiece surpassed only by Health Care International's 'Annual Book of Dead and Oil-covered Albatross,' which is probably the greatest book ever written, every year in June.

This review is about Bizarre Creations' Project Gotham, and at the same time, it is about a small village in the mountains of Montenegro where my grandfather was born and raised. Did you know my grand grandfather used to kill lambs by breaking their tiny necks and then skinning and eating them? Some would say barbaric, but imagine yourself up on that mountain with nothing to eat but some hard-boiled rocks and goat cheese. You'd most certainly do the same -- ya fucking pansy-ass little civilized pile of steaming Poodle turd! This naturally brings me to Project Gotham and its urban settings. Flashy and famous cities like London, Tokyo, and San Francisco... Ahh, those places make me sick! Back in the old days, Jaguar was THE fucking car to own, and I don't see no Jags in Project Gotham... Nooo... It's all Audi TTs and Fords and BMWs... So fucking pansy-ass urban it makes me sick! So sick in fact I have made a list of cars I really, really hate, along with a semi-thorough explanation about why I hate them:

• Audi TT - I hate it because it's probably driven by some bankrupt dotcom yuppie who's life turned into an endless tirade about how he couldn't predict the market crash coming. You dotcom yuppies make me sick! Incidentally, that is the same reason why I hate San Francisco.
• BMW Z3 - I hate it because that faggot James Bond drove it in one of his movies. Further more, it's assembled in Germany, and James Bond is English. I hate the English because they didn't want to rename the Trafalgar square to Erick Idle's Square of Love and Devotion.
• Mercedes - I saw a drunken idiot run over a small puppy in that car once, which instantaneously makes it grouse and unownable.
• Any type of Porsche - Let's face it, it burns up way too much fuel, and I don't like to sit in a seat that's made out of dead animals.
• YUGO - it's not in there, and thank God for that.

Roooooaaarr!

Screeeeeech!

There are lots more things I don't like about this game. It doesn't have a single plant. I was kind of hoping to drive through sunflowers and I still cannot get over the initial disappointment of not seeing a single sunflower in the game. Moreover, the tires are way too squeaky and there are no radio commercials. Everybody knows it's impossible to listen to more than two songs in a row without being bombarded by some wacky ass radio commercial that sells exploding preservatives or something. There are no caravans in the game, and what if want to drive my favorite pet, German Shepard named Nero of Greece? What then?! Should I just leave him at home and let him chew through my entire furniture?! That is simply unacceptable!

There are some things I like about this game however, and they mostly have to do with the fact that it looks good upside down. If you follow my instructions closely, you'll be able to enjoy Project Gotham to the full extent. There are basically two ways to do this. You can either turn the TV upside down and support it with something - I recommend the latest edition of Sammy Tolkien's Erotic Ring Stories, or you can make a handstand and have your loved ones intravenously inject steroids in your body while you stand on your right hand and try to play with your left hand. It helps to lean your legs against a wall, but be sure to wear clean slippers or just do this with bear feet, since you might mess up the wall. Of course, this only implies to normal persons like myself, because we don't paint our walls in black like Angelina Jolie, or any other dotcom yuppie Angelina Jolie wannabe. It also doesn't hurt to remind you that you cannot watch cable while playing Project Gotham the right way unless you buy a grey xtension cord to match your socks, since I highly recommend wearing gray socks while playing Project Gotham.

Lastly, this is an awesome game, buy it! I swear I have never played such a piece of shit in my life, and that's why I think it's simply marvelous! It's very good and that's why it sucks. Am I getting through to you here? Good.