News Tagged: humor

I don't know what you guys are used to gulping down during your lunch breaks, coffee breaks and such, but the choice of foods we have in the AT neighborhood closely resembles THIS. Help!

For years now, I wanted to make the coolest video game ever. Even thought of several awesome titles (I may have mentioned some of these before): Nevil May Fry 4 Ninja: Gay Den Deus Sex: The Invincible Whore Huge Crisis: No Head! Grand Depth Otto Major League Ballz 2K9 Salamy of Two Pro Evolution Hooker FlatOut: Head On - damn, they already made that one! I'm currently in-between ideas on a few other projects, so I'll get back to you on those.

I have a great idea for a new web site. So, if you're interested in joining me in this new online business endeavor, contact me ASAP. Are you ready? Here it is. The web site's name is going to be: www.halotitsdiablosexwarcraftbabesmasterchiefthesimscallofdutyhooker...

Just watched the Diablo 3 cinematic trailer for the 231st time and I have to tell you guys, Blizzard has me with this one. They have turned me into what I was back in 1997 - a drooling Diablo fanatic. I was a normal guy up until a few days ago, but the annoying Diablo-nerd has resurfaced...

If Blizzard doesn't announce a new Diablo game this Saturday, I'll... become a nun. Not your average nun, but rather a super-hero type of nun, with special powers and deadly fighting abilities (with God by her side, of course). I'm gonna need a sidekick though, because God is not always available. Any takers?

Consider your future. If you're looking for financial stability and a secure future, real estate is the best thing. So, start thinking about claiming your rightful territory on the Lunar surface. That's right, I hear Moon real estate is getting cheaper these days...

So, it seems that a story LA Times confirms a fourth Spidey flick for a May 2011 release, but neither Tobey Maguire nor director Sam Raimi have committed to the project at this time; plus writer James Vanderbilt has yet to complete the screenplay. Hey, maybe it's time someone else played Spider-Man. I have the perfect candidate right here. Also, I think it's time for Sam Raimi to step down and let a real professional take over the direction of Spider-Man 4.

At least it's a new one, goddamn you. AT COMIC: Microsoft Miis

Rummaging through an old box today I managed to dig up my trusty collection of porn mags - some soft, some hardcore. Damn, those things sure do bring back nice and warm memories. The oddest thing is, while browsing through the pages of a really old issue of Playboy I realized that most of the girls I've dated over the years slightly resemble many of these perfect women. Now is that weird or is it normal? Normally, I think it's a bit weird.

2lions wanted to send me to the basement the other day. No way am I going. There's a werewolf down there and security cameras. Oddly enough, they never show up on those damn cameras... werewolves I mean. Besides, I left my kusari-gama at home and I never venture down to basements unarmed, but I know I'm gonna have to go eventually...

Barely survived today's trip to work. Certain individuals riding the same bus as me suffered from exceptionally nasty case of oral malodor - popularly referred to as "bad breath." All, terminal cases, actually. There were many casualties on that bus and I was one of the rare people to have lived to tell the tale...

If one wants to be a ninja, one must past the ultimate test. The chicken test. This kid is made of fail!

Don't you just hate it when relatives (those distant, annoying ones) show up at your door uninvited? Nothing infuriates me more. Normally, I invite them in, bring them a cup of coffee and even endure through all the stupid questions, like: "How are things at school...

So yeah, we get to see gameplay footage from Duke Nukem Forever, Jack Thompson is facing a 10 year disbarment... are the gaming gods on steroids this week? AT COMIC: Thompson 0, Normality 1

A fucking classic. Suffice it to say: "Luxury."

So, right now, I have several things I'd like to see come true (no matter how ridiculous they may seem to some people): BioWare makes KotOR 3 a PC-only single-player RPG Blizzard makes Diablo 3 (MMORPG or otherwise) BioWare starts encouraging me with actual gameplay...

I've only just finished uploading plenty of new media, as I'm sure you'll notice. Most of it is from Ubidays. In any case, take the time to browse through our videos and screenshots sections today; you won't be disappointed. I'd also like to take this opportunity to throw something at our resident tech-guy...

So, you think it's easy to find true love. It isn't. It's not even easy scoring from time to time. Or at all. For that matter, you'd be lucky if you got laid once every 10 years, you geek bastards! Hey, listen, if worse comes to worst, you can always marry the Berlin Wall.

There are floods, earthquakes, famine, wars, serial killers, drug addicts, wow addicts, countries where they still have slavery and the list just goes on. I'm sure you all know that there are so many horrid things in this world that make our lives all the more complicated and generally dreadful. Then there's the mother-in-law. I rest my case.

Shh, don't turn around... she's right behind you. BOO!

It's good to test your strength every once in a while. You know, FightClub-style. That's what we do here at AT. There's a basement you see, and we head down there to kick each other's asses and prove how we suck at kicking each other's asses. He who gets his ass kicked the most is the winner. So, anyway, there's only one rule: "Bring a lot of Band-Aid, Bitch!" I'm a natural, apparently.

Sometimes you feel as though the chains that are holding you down are made of butter and yet you are too squeamish to cut them without a butter knife. And since you are butter-chained, you can't reach the butter knife on the table. And this is how people are...

I have it all figured out. If I'm lucky enough to live to a ripe old age, I plan enjoy my retirement by playing all the games I've missed over the years, until my finger falls off - it won't be easy pressing the 'RT' on the 360 gamepad, you know...

We've been having trouble with our Internet connection today. As a result, our life soon turned into a dull routine of meaningless discussions about how our office needs more plants (real ones; none of them hideous plastic thingies). The long conversations stretched across various mind-numbing topics...

Money's not the answer to your worries. You insist on thinking life would be awesome if only you had a million bucks in your pocket. Why do you think that would solve all your problems? That kind of money can turn you into an arrogant womanizer and a lousy tipper. Shit, being rich must be fun.

OK, this may sound a bit radical but I have discovered that popping a few funny pills before I go to bed results in me coming up with the sweetest shit before I fall asleep, while maintaining a relatively good quality of sleep throughout the night and waking up moderately refreshed in the morning...

By "series' greatest mystery," I'm of course referring to the problem of the DOOM Marine not being able to mount a damn flashlight on his gun. AT COMIC: DOOM 4: Mission Impossible

God called. He said he's "restructuring" the planet and, as a result, and in order to increase Earth's overall efficiency, a certain number of people will have to be "laid off." Of course, this begs the question whether people that get a pink slip from planet Earth can really transition in a proper way...

Did I ever tell you guys that 2lions likes to sing a lot? Oh yes. He also performs live - that's right on stage and all. Now, I can't tell you where to catch the show, but I can tell you he prefers using his stage name: Rossy Jojo! I join the show from time to time, to be fired out of cannons and such. You can call me Ure "The Human Cannonball" Paul.

I was looking forward to lying this morning about how I'm looking forward to this Monday. But now that I'm actually lying about it, it doesn't feel as good. It was going to be my small victory for the day, to make you feel more miserable about the fact that I was actually looking forward to this Monday, but I am a good, good man. So I will tell you that I'm just as fucking fucked up about it as you are instead.